Page 25 of Scar Tissue

NATHAN

Sunlight filters through the crack in Thea’s window curtains when I wake. She’s still snuggled into my side, her thigh hitched over my own and an arm draped across my chest. Although our conversation didn’t go in the exact direction I was hoping it would, a weight has been lifted off of my chest with my admission. I wanted to tell her that I love her. That I’ve loved her for so long. But I didn’t want to put an expectation out there for her. An obligation that she felt like she had to respond to. She wants to find herself again and I want to respect that decision, even if it kills me. I’m not dumb, I know that her confession means we can’t do this again. But bloody fucking hell, staying away from her, keeping my hands off of her…it seems impossible.

She shifts against me then, pressing her face into the crook of my neck with a sleepy sigh. I tighten my hold on her instinctively, despite the arm that’s underneath her being asleep, and inhale the familiar scent of her hair—coconut with an undertone of vanilla. My fingers trace the bare skin of her back where my shirt that she’s wearing rode up in lazy circles, taking this moment as mine and keeping it selfishly tucked away before she has a chance to wake upand erase it with the inevitable. She shifts again and this time she lifts her head just enough for our eyes to meet. “You’re awake,” she murmurs, her voice still thick with sleep as she tries to wake up.

“I didn’t want to move and wake you.” I force a small smile.

She returns it as she says, “Thank you.” But she doesn’t move right away, allowing this moment for herself as I am. That is until her phone rings, interrupting the moment. “Sorry, I should get this.” She rolls over, tugging the shirt down as she looks at the caller ID and sighs. “What do you want, Lucas?”

Sitting up straighter, I wait for her to ask me to leave or for her to seek privacy herself but she doesn’t. I can hear his voice on the other end of the line as he speaks and it makes me clench my jaw in irritation. I may not make out what he’s saying but the tone of his voice tells me he isn’t treating her with the respect she deserves. I can’t wait until she can cut all ties with him. Her fingers tighten around the phone as she listens, her lips pressing into a firm line. “No, Lucas.

This is final. You made sure of that when you fucked your way through base.” A pause. Another sigh. “I don’t owe you anything else. I don’t owe you explanations or empathy.”

All I want is to reach out and rest my hand on her thigh, to offer her support, but I feel as though that would be crossing the boundary she has set between us. His voice rises on the other end.

“That’s not my problem. You didn’t fight for this, for us, when it mattered. You can regret it all you want. It won’t change my mind.” She steels her voice and a surge of pride goes through me. But I don’t miss the way her hands are trembling, the way he still manages to get to her. “I’ll see you in court tomorrow, Lucas. And after that? I don’t want anything to do with you. Ever again.” She hangs up before he has a chance to say anything else and sets the phone back on her nightstand before leaning forward, face in hands. “I hate that he still gets to me.”

A heavy silence lingers between us as I try to figure out the right way to approach this. “What was that about?” Maybe it isn’t my place to ask, but I want to know everything when it comes to her.

Her voice is steady when she responds, although she still hasn’t turned around to address me directly. “I think he’s suddenly realizing that I’m taking this seriously and that it’s officially over between us, so he’s trying to do damage control. As if he just expects me to forget everything he’s done, forgive him, and take him back. Because I’ve always taken his shit laying down, so he thinks if he apologizes it’ll be water under the bridge like it has been in the past with other shit. The reality is he just doesn’t know how to lose. He doesn’t want me back because he loves me. He wants me back because he can’t stand the fact that I took the power back and am walking away on my own terms.”

“That’s not love.”

The laugh she lets out isn’t filled with humor as she turns around and leans against the headboard with me, pulling her knees to her chest. “If only I had realized that sooner…”

She deserves better. She’s always deserved better. She deserves to have someone who worships the very ground she walks on. I wish she’d realize that I could be that guy for her. However, I don’t say anything because I don’t want her thinking I’m manipulating the situation. And she doesn’t need me to say anything else because she doesn’t need empty reassurances.

She’s proving she deserves better by leaving.

“Anyway, the final hearing is tomorrow. We managed to speed up the process by the grace of God. And after that, it’ll be over. No more shared accounts, no more legal ties. No more reason to pick up when he calls. I think I’ll block his number after. Erase any trace of him from my life besides the one thing that matters.” She glances over to the urn. She’s created a shrine around for Hallie, and it’s the first time I’ve gotten a good look at it. It’s simple, surrounded by small clothes, candles, and toys. The urn itself has a picture of Hallie on the side; her birth and death dates engraved with an imprint of her little foot.

“You could do it now, you know,” I suggest carefully.

She shakes her head after a moment of consideration. “If I dothat then I give him the satisfaction that he’s gotten to me. After, though? He can get fucked.”

“Do you need anyone to come with you?”

“It’s online, so I don’t have to drive home.” That’s convenient.

“I could always sit with you?” I offer. She might have drawn an invisible line between us, but I want her to know I’m here in whatever capacity she will allow me to be. She finally gets her freedom tomorrow, and I would be honored to watch her step into it.

“I’m not sure if that’s such a good idea—not because I don’t want you there to support

me. I would love that…I just don’t want the wrong signals to be sent to the court or our families.

They don’t exactly know I’m staying with you.” It stings, even though it makes sense in retrospect. “Maybe just…cheer me on from the sidelines?”

One side of my mouth lifts. “I can do that. What time?”

“Nine, I think.”

“I’ll be there, well here, kind of.” She laughs and it’s real, bringing heat to my heart in the best way, which causes me to laugh in return until it dies down and we’re in silence again. “So, I guess I’ll go back to my own room…” I don’t want to leave. This feels too much like a hook up, and that is the furthest thing from what this meant to me. She nods, but I don’t miss the hesitation in the way her fingers grip the blanket pooled around her legs. I would give anything for her to tell me to stay, but I know she won’t. “I’ll get coffee going?” I say, lingering in the doorway. “After I get dressed, I mean.” God, I’m rambling.

“Sure.”

This should be the part where I turn and leave. Where I close the door behind me and let her have the space she clearly thinks she needs. But instead, I shift my weight, running my hand through my hair. “Thea, if you change your mind—about us being together?—”

“I know,” she says, effectively stopping my words before they have a chance to go any further.