Page 85 of Her Ex-Husband's Brother

I’m sure as hell going to miss Lennon’s touch tonight in bed.

We took separate cars on the way into Austin today because of our differing schedules, so I give her a kiss on the forehead and manage, “See you at home,” before hopping up into my truck and closing the door.

I’m a little slower on the drive back to Uhland. My head’s mostly blank in that spacy way it goes after a balloon pop. I’ll catch myself staring at a blank wall for a couple hours when I’m in the worst of these spells.

Lennon’s already waiting in the parking lot when I get there.

I sigh, feeling the last of the energy in my body seep out. I always knew I’d disappoint her. Frankly, it’s better that it happens now before we get in any deeper anyway.

I try not to think about how devastating that thought is. There will be time for me to wallow later, when I’m all alone.

Lennon bounces over immediately as I climb down from my truck, because of course she does. It’s who she is.

“I’ll wash up and change, then meet you at yours?” she asks brightly.

Words so hard.

Wanna do right by her.

I try for a smile. Fail.

“Not tonight,” I push through mud-mind to say. “Just gonna crash. Super tired. Sorry, babe.”

“Oh my god, no. You do look like you’re barely standing up, August.” She comes and throws her arms around my waist. “I’ve been a selfish cow not letting you get more sleep when you’re working like ten hours a day.

My chin on the top of her head, I start to shake my head no. Just not enough energy to explain what’s actually happening when I get like this. I know it’s so complicated to understand what’s going on from the outside. Priscilla fucking hated it when I just totally shut down. She used to say I’d just turn to stone. Like I was stone-walling her. We were both young and I didn’t even have a diagnosis yet.

I didn’t have the words, up or down rollercoaster-wise, to explain what was happening when I got like this.

I’m clearly not much better now.

“See you, beautiful,” is all I can manage before turning away from the beautiful brightness that is Lennon and heading to the dark of my lonely RV, every step sinking deeper into the heaviness, mind and body.

TWENTY-THREE

AUGUST

I lightout early from the RV, not wanting to run into Lennon getting coffee at the plaza café, even though dragging myself out of bed was a struggle when my alarm sounded this morning. Still, I don’t want any accidental run-ins this morning.

It’s best for both of us if we get some space from each other.

I’m clearly getting way too intense, too fast.

The woman’s barely just left her husband, for fuck’s sake.

God knows I’m embarrassed enough by the needy, manic energy I’ve been pouring all over her lately.

So I drive up to Austin early.Earlyearly, like before dawn, and hit up one of the popular jogger’s trails around Zilker Park to get my workout in. I run harder and faster than normal, but I don’t even care if I’m exhausted at work today.

The more I’m lost in work and exhaustion, the less opportunity there is to ruminate aboutherand what a fucking idiot I am.

Calling myself herboyfriend.

What are we, in Jr. High?

It gives me a full-body cringe every time I think about how I just said it. Out loud, so casually, like it was an easy assumption. And how I thought she’d behappyabout it.

I think that’s the worst part. I anticipated her happiness, ’cause I guess girls had been telling me for over a decade all they wanted me to tell them was I loved them and mean it, but I never quite could. And then suddenly, when I could… I cringe again at what any sensitive, thinking man would have realized was going to be her reaction.