Page 121 of A Silence So Divine

Raising Creed’s hand, I press a kiss to the back of his hand.

The house is silent. It’s been hours since dinner and Creed is deep in slumber beside me. The room is pitch black, save for thin slices of moonlight that peek through the heavy curtains. On a typical night, I sink into the sheets and find sleep quickly. But not tonight.

My mind is an endless chasm of thoughts: Fears, regrets, concerns, hopes. Over and over like a chant, the voice in my head keeps me from finding peace. I fight it best I can, until finally I accept defeat and push from the bed.

Slowly, as not to wake the boy beside me, I climb out of the blankets and tiptoe across the room. The house itself seems to have found rest and I don’t want to spoil it.

When the soles of my feet meet the cool hardwood flooring, I venture down the hall. I’ve never sought Cecil out; he usually comes to me. The possibility of regret that swarms my consciousness gives me the courage to twist his doorknob and slip into his room.

I have to squint to make out his figure. Feeling blindly, I reach for the wall to steady myself as I take a step forward.

Golden light flashes, and my arms swing up to shield my eyes.

“Are you alright?” Cecil’s voice is groggy, but he’s already on his feet by the time I look at him.

His stomach and chest are bare, as they usually are when he’s dressed for sleep, but it's somehow more scandalous when we’re alone in his room. The light only grants me his silhouette, and I watch the rise and fall of each breath as he stands before me. His hair is a mess of haphazard curls.

In a moment that I would surely look back on with embarrassment with the coming dawn, I quickly sign,“I want to be with you.”

He grunts in the back of his throat. “You can sleep in here.”

“Not sleep. I want to…”I trail off, swallowing thickly.“I want you.”With the last word, I press my palm firmly to his chest. Underneath warm skin, I can feel the heavy beat of life.

It gains speed.

“Eden,” he says on a sigh.

“If you don’t want to, it’s okay,”I’m quick to add. The burn of rejection starts at my toes and worms its way up into my face. A part of me wishes I could speak so the light could remain off. I don’t want him to see the desperation in my eyes.

“It’s not that. Youknowit’s not that.” His hand comes to my bare upper arm. Goosebumps rise on my flesh. “I’m not surethat I’m the right choice for that. Your first time should be with someone you…” His voice cracks, and he doesn’t speak the last word.

Love.

“I do.”

And I know it’s true. There is no level of confidence, or experience, or wisdom that one must reach to be sure of love. I can feel him there, in my heart, as if he was always meant for it.

Creed, too, but different. My love for him is pure, light, golden. Like the sun.

My love for Cecil is heavy, unabashed, all consuming. Like the roll of thunder or a crashing wave.

Even in the dark, I feel his eyes on my face. Searching for uncertainty.

He won’t find an ounce of it.

“You shouldn’t,” he hedges.

My lips lift into a small grin.“It’s not up to you.”

Tentatively, giving him time to object, I step back and steel my nerves. With trembling fingers, I push the strap of my nightgown from my right shoulder. So soft I can’t be sure I heard it, a whimper sounds from the hulking man in front of me.

The second strap falls, and with the drop of my arms, the cotton falls to my feet. With nothing underneath, I lay myself bare. My loose hair tickles the low of my back, and I fight the urge to cover myself. Cecil’s arm rises from his side, hovering midair like he isn’t sure what to do with himself. What to do with me.

Something takes over, something primal, and my brain quiets. It’s as natural as anything, the way I step into him. Taking mercy on his indecisiveness, I take his hand and place it against my cheek. With the turn of my head, I press my lips to the center of his palm.

“Wait,” he rasps out. “I want you to know… I just, I—” His stammering only gets worse the more he speaks, and he lets out a heavy sigh. “I can’t say the words, but I want to. I—”

My finger rests on his lips, and I look into shimmering eyes.“I know.”His throat bobs.“It’s okay, I know.”