Page 83 of The Illusion
The doctor's eyes narrow. "Are you saying you're not?"
I roll my eyes. "That's exactly what I'm saying. Try again.”
Her eye twitches. Good.
"Okay. If that's not your stress point, perhaps it's something else. Devon mentioned that you run a business with your sister. That must be very demanding."
"It is, but?—"
"And as I said earlier, you're also trying to navigate a relatively new marriage, which comes with its own challenges." Dr. Reeves is building a case now, I can feel it. "It's possible that you're feeling overwhelmed, and that stress is manifesting as tension in your interactions with Devon."
I'm feeling overwhelmed because there's a manipulative teenager living in my house and my husband is choosing her over me at every turn. But I can't say that. Because if I say that, I'm the villain.
"I think what Dr. Reeves is saying," Asher interjects, and I want to scream at him for speaking, "is that we should all be more mindful of how we're communicating. Right?"
The betrayal cuts like a fucking knife, even though it isn’t a surprise. Judas.
"Exactly," Dr. Reeves says, beaming at him. "Communication and emotional regulation are key. Devon needs to feel safe expressing her needs without fear of judgment or resentment. Without her very existence being used like a weapon in marital warfare. And Julie, you need to find healthy ways to manage your stress so that it doesn't impact the household dynamic."
Manage my stress. Emotional regulation. Household dynamic. She's making it sound like I'm the problem. Like I'm the one who needs to be fixed. This bitch is insane. She has no business treating anyone.
"I think it would be really beneficial," Dr. Reeves continues, "for you to consider some individual therapy, Julie. Just to have a space where you can process your feelings, work through your abandonment issues, and develop some coping strategies forthis transition. Maybe two or three sessions per week to really get this issue resolved."
The fact that she half smiles at me with a snide expression nearly takes me out. I am about to lose my fucking shit. Abandonment issues? Multiple sessions a week?
"That's a great idea. She carries so much unresolved trauma from her childhood," Asher offers.
I want to throw something at him. I want to yell and scream and rage and break the doctor’s too expensive pen in half. Devon is silent, but when I glance at her, I catch the tiniest flicker of satisfaction in her expression before she smooths it away.
Right here is the turning point. At this very moment, I've just turned a corner. Any love inside of me is burning up in a fucking incinerator in real time. He’s doing this on purpose. Manipulating me like his goddamn father manipulated everyone in his life. He's a sick fuck, just like Dean. Worse, even. And I am done.
But he’s doing this for a reason. I don’t know what it is yet, but this is intentional. And for that reason, I need to stay silent. It’s time to hold my cards close to the vest. Something is happening here. Something insidious. Something I tried to ignore, and I shouldn’t have. He’s showing me his cards without realizing it. I can’t tell if he’s trying to set me off or shut me up. But both are not acceptable.
“Yes, Asher is correct. Abandonment by a parent, particularly the father, can be so triggering,” Dr. Reeves says.
There's that word again. Abandonment. He fucking spoke to this bitch about my father.
"The thing to remember right now is that Devon needs you to be strong and stable for her right now. She needs to know that she's loved and supported, no matter what."
Strong and stable. Code for: shut up and smile and stop making waves.
"I know this is hard, Julie," Dr. Reeves says, and her tone is so patronizing I want to scream. "But I really think if you can work on managing your stress and being more present and supportive for Devon and your husband, you'll find that the household dynamic improves significantly."
I’m fucking flabbergasted. So angry that it’s taking everything I have not to tell this goddamn bitch to go fuck herself. I can’t believe she's telling me to fix myself. To change. To be better. While Devon sits there playing the victim and the backstabbing piece of shit I married nods along like this is all perfectly reasonable.
I think I nod. Perhaps I even say okay. But I’ve completely shut down now and I have nothing else to offer. In addition to being a shitty therapist, Dr. Reeves seems to be psychic, because he moves on from me and starts talking to Devon. I hear none of it over the loud roar in my head.
I clue back in when the doctor taps on her wristwatch. "We’re just about out of time. Devon, is there anything else you'd like to share with us before we end for the day?"
Devon shakes her head. "I just want everyone to be happy. I don't want to cause any problems."
"You're not causing problems, sweetheart," Dr. Reeves says, and the endearment makes my skin crawl. "You're healing. And that's what matters. The adults can figure their issues out in ways that don’t damage you.”
I. Am. Raging.
She stands, smoothing her skirt. We all stand with her.
"I think this was really productive," Dr. Reeves says, shaking Asher's hand first. "Ash, it's wonderful to see you taking such an active role in Devon's life. She adores you."
