Page 147 of The Illusion
"The hot springs. There's this one called Reykjadalur—you have to hike up to it, and it's just this natural river that's perfectly warm. We sat in it for hours, just talking and watching the steam rise."
I can picture it. Ryan in a hot spring, laughing with his friends, completely at ease. "That sounds amazing."
"It was." He pauses. "I'd love to go back. Show you all the spots."
My heart does that stupid fluttering thing again. "Yeah?"
"Yeah."
The food arrives, and it's as good as it smells. We eat family-style, passing plates back and forth, stealing bites off each other's forks. It's easy. Comfortable. Fun. Ryan lets me try everything. He laughs when I steal the last bite of pork chop. He doesn't care that I'm talking with my mouth full or that I accidentally spilled a few drops of wine on the table.
"Okay," he says, refilling my glass. "Real talk. How are you doing? Like, actually doing?"
I set my fork down. "Better. Most days."
"And the bad days?"
"They're still there. But they're getting fewer."
"That's good."
"Yeah." I take a breath. "Can I ask you something?"
"Anything."
"Do you ever..." I trail off, trying to find the words. "Do you ever wonder if I'm going to be okay? Like, really okay?"
He doesn't hesitate. "No."
"No?"
"No. Because I know you will be. You're one of the strongest people I've ever met, Julie. You've been through hell, and you're still here. Still fighting. Still rebuilding. That's not something everyone can do."
Tears prick at my eyes. “Sometimes I don't feel strong."
"You don't have to feel it for it to be true."
I look down at my plate. "I'm scared, Ryan."
"Of what?"
"Of this. Of us. Of..." I swallow hard. "Of never being able to trust anyone again."
He reaches across the table and takes my hand. "That's understandable."
"Is it?"
"Of course it is. Asher lied to you about everything. He manipulated you, gaslit you, made you question your own reality. That kind of betrayal doesn't just go away."
"I keep thinking..." I pause, trying to articulate the fear that's been gnawing at me. "I keep thinking that a part of me will always wonder if people are telling the truth. If anything is real."
Ryan squeezes my hand. "I get that."
"Do you?"
"Yeah. Because if I were in your shoes, I'd feel the same way."
"So what do I do? How do I move past it?"
