Page 56 of Bound By Ink

“Has the way he said it ever been mean? The way he says it now, has it changed?”

I think about it for a while before I bite my lip. “I think his tone has changed. It used to be teasing. Now it feels loaded.”

“I know he’s older, but other than that, what would be so bad about being with him?”

“He’s your best friend, Steven. Isn’t that breaking some kind of bro code?”

“Do you not think he’s your best friend, too? Look, Scott, just take a second and think about it. I mean,reallythink about it. Think about who actually makes you feel anything good.”

“But…” I don’t know what to say. How can I end things with Derren? I feel an obligation of sorts to him after everything.

“It won’t work between me and Killian, Steven. He’s just not a relationship kind of guy.”

“Well, it doesn’t sound like Derren is much of a relationship kind of guy. He doesn’t treat you well. What’s the sex like?”

“For God’s sake, Steven.”

“Seriously, Scott, what is sex like with Derren? Does he do it for you?”

“Well, we just don’t really know each other yet.”

“So, the sex is shit then?” He laughs.

“No, it’s not shit, it’s just… He doesn’t. He wouldn’t. He won’t.” I get flustered, trying to talk to my brother about my sex life; it’s always been easier to talk to Killian about this.

“I know how the sex with Killian was.” He grins, and I realise it flowed out of me, all the gory details.

“Ugh, no, just no, I am not talking about sex with Killian anymore.”

He digs me in the ribs. “It was hot, wasn’t it?”

I thrust my head into my hands, covering my face with embarrassment.

“It was so fucking hot,” I groan.

He barks out laughing, like full-on belly laughing. “Why the hell are you fighting it so hard?”

“I just don’t want to ruin things with him. I need him. He’s too important. But, God, I’m just messing this up so bad.” His arm slides around my shoulder, and he pulls me into an awkward side hug.

“Look. I know I’m not the best at this stuff, and normally you’d go to him, so why not just go to him?”

“Ugh, this is so freaking hard.”

“Look, sleep on it, take some time. Just don’t let Derren manipulate you. I mean, tattooing a random dude’s name who’s shit in bed on your body is fucking nuts.”

“Thanks, Steven.” I stand and turn to face him. “I’m gonna go to bed, and I don’t know, just think.” He gives me a smile and nods. He turns away from me, picks up his headset, and grabs the controller.

“Yeah, dude, I’m back.”

AndI guess we’re done here. I head back to bed and pick my phone up. I type a message to Derren and one to Killian. I then delete them both, type them all over again, before deleting them and tossing my phone back on the bed. I wrap myself in the covers and try to sleep because I just can’t focus on one thing. On one person. My mind twists and distorts the two men into one who would be perfect.

I’m startled awake by my phone. I snatch at it.

“Hello,” I groggily answer.

“I’ll pick you up tomorrow night. We need to talk.”

“Derren?” I pull the phone away, staring at the screen. He’s gone. I flop onto the bed and groan. My mind has tortured me all night with dreams of what could be and twisted the outcome to make me regret every choice I’ve made. I decide to let fate take control, to go with it. What will be will be.