Page 111 of The Sound of Him

Carter.

Carter and Casey are leaving.

Leaving.

Leaving, leaving, leaving, leaving-

“I can't decide if they're idiots for thinking they can justdothat, or if they're right and I'm just way more fucked up than I thought.”

I have the distant thought that I feel the same, but it's overwhelmed by the sharp, panicky feeling ofno, no, no.

They can't leave. Not them. They have to stay.

They're part of my support system.

I gave them name signs.

I taught Dr. Singh their name signs and weagreedthat they wereimportant.

Ineedthem.

I need -God, when did I get so selfish?

My stomach feels hot. Really hot. It twists itself into tight coils, around and around. I can feel myself starting to shake. I can feel the sweat creeping over the back of my neck, across my palms. There's too much spit in my mouth. There's - there's too much in - in my - in my -

- only, only, only, only -

“Hey, it's alright. It'll be alright. I'm right here, okay? I'm never leaving. We'll stick together, I promise.”

Betrayed.That's the word. Nolan is angry and hurt together - betrayed.

“It's okay. I've got you. Just focus on Mica being dead, alright? Carter and Casey are going to be fine. They've got Maison and Jake and Travis. They'll be safe. It's okay. Don't worry about them. And now you don't have to worry about Mica, either. He's gone, Matt. He can't ever hurt you again.”

I choke on a laugh. Or a sob.

He hurts me all the time. He's a phantom hand at my throat. I've been suffocating for months.

Only 45 seconds.

Only, only, only, only, only, only, only-

“Shh, Matt. You're okay. Breathe. Just breathe.”

I can't breathe.

I can't, I can't, can't, can't, can't-

I need to hide. Under this bed isn't working. Nolan isn't helping.

I want Ace. I want his arms. I want his chest with the steadythud, thud, thud-thud, of his heartbeat. I want the blues. I want to hear the sound of him, his voice its own form of oxygen.

But Nolan keeps holding me and Ace deserves a break from me and I'm just a ghost, I'm not real, I don't have to breathe anyway.

I lie there shaking, my lungs burning, and wait for him to notice that I'm dead. I died way before Mica did.

It's too late.

He's too late.