Page 7 of Found Through Fire

To my first, greatest love, Jackson.

Hi, Jackson. I’m not really sure how to start this. I mean, I’m your mother. I have loved you your entire life, but I am a stranger to you. Since you are reading this, I’m sure you have met Willow because she would never turn down a request from her family. There is so much that I want to say in this letter, but unfortunately, I don’t think I can convey everything that I want to. All I can hope for is that after reading this, you will forgive me enough to go through the boxes.

I’m not sure what your father has said to you about me, but I would like to give you my side and hope that, even if you don’t believe my story, you will believe that I love you, and that I have loved you since the day I found out that I was pregnant with you. You changed my life, and I don’t want you to doubt that I have wanted you from the day that the stick showed two lines.

I didn’t start off with the greatest life. I was taken away from my mother at five and placed into foster care. After being placed in a few homes and running away from each one, they moved me into a group home. I found out that living on the streets was better than some of the “families” they assigned me to.

The group home was where I met your father, Blake. He was living there, too, waiting to age out of the system. He was seventeen, and I was fourteen. I was mature for my age, or thought that I was, after surviving all that time with aheroin addict mother, horrible foster families, living on the streets, and staying in shelters until Child Protective Services found me again. Your dad made me feel seen, and I had never experienced that before. He said that he would protect me, and that I would not have to deal with it ever again when he aged out. I thought I was in love, that we could survive anything together since we had withstood the shitty world on our own so far.

When he turned eighteen and I was fifteen, he was able to leave the group home. The plan was that he would get us a place, and then I would run away one last time, but this time, I would be running to him. He started working at a bar as a busser, and that was when he was introduced to the Lost Knights. Everyone in this town knew about them, but they were still afraid. Back then, they didn’t try to hide the darker things that they were into.

Blake started to prospect for them, and came to see me when he could. When he was in his second year of prospecting—twenty years old and about to be patched in—I had just found out that I was pregnant with you. We kept it a secret until he was patched in. He brought me around a few times to see the clubhouse, but no one knew at that point that I was underaged.

After he was patched, he told them when I was about three months pregnant. They were upset, to say the least, but by the time you were born, I had turned eighteen. I thought we were so happy. I started to take classes at the community college, and was able to take you with me with the free childcare they offered.

The only thing that was a constant issue in our lives was Andrea. She had her beady little eyes on your father. I thought it was normal, because all the women fell for him a little when they saw him with you. He was always involved and loved spending time with you. I noticed your father started to pullaway from us when you were about eight months old. He had more “club business” and stopped coming home every night. By the time you were one, he was only with us two nights a week.

He slowly stopped being my Blake, the boy that always protected me in the group home, and started to become “Griz.” Somedays, I couldn’t even recognize him. When you were two, he came and said that he was going to take you to the clubhouse for an event, and that I couldn’t come. He just packed you a bag and left. I called him all night, becoming more worried as it got later.

I went to the clubhouse the next morning, and they would not even let me in the gate. Your father and Andrea walked up, hand in hand. Your father told me that he decided to make Andrea his ‘Ol Lady and that I was no longer needed. He said that you would stay with him, and I needed to leave our rental house. He let me know that Andrea was a better fit in the club, and better mother material. I broke down and refused to leave without you. I absolutely lost it.

The old President came out and said if I didn’t leave, he would make me. He said that if I came around the clubhouse again, he would let the enforcer show me why that was a bad idea. I was shattered. After everything we went through. After loving him since I was fourteen, six years, and a beautiful baby boy, he still did this to me.

I went back to the rental and cried for a day until the club sent a prospect and Andrea to help me move out. And by help, I mean they stood behind me as I packed, letting me know that she was pregnant and now she could give Blake a complete family that he could be proud of. That she would make sure to raise my son so he didn’t even remember that he had a real mother. That Blake had been hers for months, and now that you were older, you didn’t need your birth mother anymore.

I guess the prospect was there to make sure that I could not hit her back after she pulled my hair or slapped me or broke the few things that were mine in the house. He also was there to give me a note from your father. It said that I could keep the car since he didn’t need it, but besides that, I was on my own.

I had a small amount of my belongings packed as I got in the car. At that point, I realized I had nowhere to go. Your dad bought me my car so I could take you around and go to my classes. He said to not worry about working because I had so much to take care of, and that he would handle taking care of us. I looked up shelters to stay at until I figured out how to get you back. I just turned twenty, had no family, no friends, because everyone knew that I was associated with the club, no money, a GED, and a few college classes

The closest women’s shelter was two counties over. That made it easier to get a job. I doubted anyone would hire me in Hidden Hills because, being the small town that it was, they knew I was with your father. It was during my stay in the women’s shelter that I found out I was pregnant again. Now I knew I had to work even harder to get a stable place for me, you, and the baby away from the MC. The MC ruined our lives, and I wanted to have nothing to do with it.

I didn’t tell your father that I was pregnant again. He already took one of my babies, and I was not going to let him have another for his new “family.” I wrote letters to him, begging him to let me see you. I sent them to the rental since I didn’t know the PO Box that the MC used. One day, my letters started getting returned to me. I assumed that he moved from the rental, and I had no idea where he lived.

He also changed his number, and I didn’t have anyone else in the MC. They always distanced themselves from me. They hated that I was the “jailbait” that could have taken everyone down when I started coming around. They were annoyed atyour father, but because he was patched in at that point, they were loyal to him. I was never really around the clubhouse because of my age, and after I turned eighteen, I had school and a new baby to take care of. I never had any of their support and was never part of their “found family.”

After that, I started writing letters to you every day in a journal that I could give to you someday. I was able to get my own low-income apartment when I was about six months pregnant. I was working three part-time jobs at that point. It was hard, but I felt like all I had was spare time. I could work, save, and keep my mind off the constant fear. The fear that I would never get you back, the fear that I would have a new baby to love and raise alone, and the fear that your father would somehow find out and take my second baby, and I would be left with nothing.

A little while after I started buying secondhand furniture, baby items, and things to help make the baby feel at home, I went into labor early. The doctors said it was because I put my body under too much stress. I had your sister four months early, and it was very touch and go. I honestly thought she wouldn’t make it. I lost you and missed you every day, but I knew you were alive out there and were taken care of. I didn’t think I would be able to survive another heartbreak.

Your sister survived. She was a little fighter, and I knew that she was strong enough to face anything. She stayed in the NICU for a few months before I could bring her home, and in that NICU is where I met my husband and sons for the first time. We were both alone, living in the same hell, waiting for any updates that could mean our children would be okay.

We formed a friendship over those months, and when he learned that I lost my jobs and apartment because I was at the hospital so much with your sister, he talked me into staying with him and being a nanny for his triplets. He didn’t have anysupport either, and his girlfriend died because of a complicated birth to the triplets. He lived in Tennessee, but we moved when your sister, Willow, and the triplets were released. I hated going to a different state and being even further away from you, but I had a plan.

A few months later, when we had settled in our new home, I decided to take a trip back to try and speak to your father. Willow stayed back with Michael and the boys. I told Michael everything that happened with your father and me. He wanted to help and get us a lawyer, but I knew that I would never be able to win in court. I was a twenty-one-year-old high-school dropout and runaway that had no support and just started making a consistent income. Never mind the threats that I got from your dad, the Brothers, and Andrea if I tried to bring lawyers and the cops into it.

I showed up at the clubhouse, and I saw you playing outside. I think the prospect only let me in because he was new, and I told them that I was your dad’s baby mama. I saw you and called your name. You saw me and ran over to Andrea and hid behind her, not recognizing me. Your father pulled me away and told me I was trying to fuck up your childhood. That you were happy, and I was going to mess it all up. He let me know that this was something that I didn’t want to pursue because the MC would back whatever he said, and that they would dig into me more to ruin the little that I had.

I left the clubhouse, and even though I was desperate to get you back, I couldn’t risk your father finding out about Willow, and I couldn’t risk messing up your happy family, even if that meant that you would leave me behind until you were older. I refused to be selfish with you and force you away from the family that you loved. Looking back, that was my biggest fear, because I would have given anything for a happy familygrowing up, and I am so sorry that I let this fear get in the way of fighting for you like a mother should.

Michael and I started dating three years later and got married. He is the only father that Willow has ever known, and your step-brothers are her best friends. Our family has been through more than any family should, especially your sister. She is not the best with people or feelings, but that is because she has been through so much. I know that you two will help each other grow and move on from the mistakes of your parents.

All of our kids know about you. We have found a way to include you in all of our big moments. Even if you didn’t know it, you were never left behind.

Last year, I was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer. It did not give me a lot of time. I wanted to do this all in person. I wanted to hold you one more time. Please look in the boxes, they have every letter, birthday card, family photo and all the diaries that I wrote to you. I hope that you will give our family a chance, even if it is just your sister.

I am not trying to make excuses or blame your father for everything. What I have realized over the years is that I survived all my life, but I never had the time to grow. I wasn’t able to have a close relationship, and that is why I threw myself completely into a relationship with your father. I would like to say that I’m so sorry, my baby. I’m sorry that I didn’t know how to fight for you. I’m sorry that you were the gift given to two broken kids who had no roadmap for parenting, let alone a relationship. I’m sorry for the time that we’ve lost and the relationship that we were never able to find. I love you so much, and I realize that you were let down.

Most of all, I am so sorry that I can’t give you the time to digest all of this before I am gone. I know that this will just be thrown at your feet, and that is going to be my last regretleaving this world. But, hopefully, your sister and the rest of the family can help heal some of the wounds that the world and your father and I gave you, if you want to give them a chance to.