Page 73 of Until Death or Defeat

“If you don’t know, then why can’t you let me have the burden? I’ll take it on for you.”

“S-stop saying shit like that okay?”

“What is going on with you?”

God, fuck if I know. He’s simultaneously saying everything I do and don’t want to hear. Well, Iwantto hear them, but I never wanted or expected to hear it from him.

“I don’t know, I’m fucked up in the head, is that what you wanna hear?”

“We can pretend to extend the ‘temporary truce’ as you callit, or I will take you however I want anyway on this bed. Either way, I will have you.”

I feel tingles going up my spine at his declaration. I...want it. The stupid fucking distraction. This stupid feeling. HeknowsI do. I don’t like feeling like I’ve given in, yet I...

The back of his hand runs down my neck until it cascades down my shoulder, gently pulling my sleeve down with it. “Do you need help?”

When he asks, my eyes only stay glued on him. I feel weak.

He grabs me by the shoulders, moving me to stand in front of the long mirror before turning me to face it, his hands placed firmly on my shoulders.

When I look at myself, I feel off. I look sad, my eyes a light shade of pink from the sudden swirling of emotions taking over my mind.

“Why do you look at yourself like that?” His hands are still there, grounding me, as his tall frame allows his full face to show above mine in the mirror. “What has happened to my feisty wife who knows she’s better than everyone else?”

What has happened to me? Everything. I don’t think I’ve had a day of peace in weeks, and my brain never shuts off. I’m so busy thinking about everyone in my life and how I’m going to make everything go right every waking moment because if I don’t then I might have to look at myself and think about what’s going on withme.

“Stop. Just turn it off.” His voice is warm and low as it tickles my ear.

And what will happen to everyone? I’m the fixer. I want to make everything right again, for Caesar, for my mom, forme. I don’t know how long it’s going to take until I can feel like my life isn’t falling apart anymore. I guess I never realized that I haven’t stopped all my manic thoughts since my mother’sdeath. And now, who do I have? I can’t trust my family yet, my only friend is too busy for me, I?—

“You’re bad at listening,solnishko. Look at me.”

My eyes move up in the mirror, and it feels like he’s baring down my soul, something only he seems to have always been capable of.

He pushes my other sleeve down now, not yet exposing my breasts but my upper chest. “I want it, too. Don’t you think we’ll both feel better if we release the tension?”

“You play dirty,” I say as I roll my eyes, about to take a step forward but he holds me in place. “Artem seriously, I?—”

“It isn’t up to you, I get to decide what’s good for you now.”

My eyes look back up to his as a smile creeping onto my face at his ridiculous comment. “Oh, do you?”

“That’s right, I’m in charge, you know that don’t you? I only let you feel like you have choices,” he coos as he fully slides my shirt off my arms and takes it off me.

I suppress a laugh, because even if part of him means what he’s saying...he’s playing with me. And fuck, I need to play right now, even if the game has changed.

Fine, I’ll bite.

“Okay,almighty pakhan, then what? You declare I must fuck you?”

“I challenge you to shut up and let me make all the choices,” he rasps into my ear as he pushes down on my corduroy skirt, exposing the black lace hiding underneath. “You wear shit like that because you hope I’ll see, don’t you?”

“Fuck you, I?—”

“Do you admit defeat already? I guess I should’ve known you couldn’t do it.”

God damn him. My jaw clenches tight as I glare at him through the mirror.

“Good girl, you learn fast. I’ll let you try again. If you manage, I’ll owe you. Anything you want.”