Page 98 of Break Me Open
A little while later, he falls asleep against my chest. One minute, he’s red-faced and furious about the injustice of beingborn; the next, he’s warm, heavy and slack, his breath puffing softly against my collarbone.
Niko watches me from the other side of the room, sitting on the edge of the bed, his elbows on his knees. He hasn’t said anything for a while. “You’re doing the thing,” Niko says eventually.
“What thing?”
“The one where you pretend you’re not feeling something enormous.”
“I’m not pretending,” I say, glancing back at him.
He snorts quietly. “Liar.”
I look back down at Vladimir, his face is still scrunched like he’s suspicious of the universe. Smart kid. “I don’t hate it,” I admit.
Niko’s eyebrows lift. “High praise.”
“He’s loud,” I add. “Demanding. Inconvenient.”
“Sounds familiar,” Niko teases, and I huff. Vladimir shifts, and my arm adjusts without conscious thought. I lay him down in the tiny crib next to a sleeping Cassie and walk over to the window. Niko joins me, and we both stand there with cigarettes we’re not allowed to smoke.
“Are you going to tell me what’s actually eating you, or do I need to guess badly until you snap?” he asks as I stare out at the car park, at the cars, the snow, the stupid, normal world that keeps existing.
“I’m in trouble,” I admit.
He doesn’t joke this time. “What kind?”
“The kind I won’t survive.” That sentence gets his full attention. I rub my thumb against the side of my lighter. “I’m in love with him.” There. Out. Done. The room doesn’t explode. The ceiling doesn’t cave in. The world keeps turning, irritatingly intact.
Niko exhales slowly. “Okay.”
“That’s it?”
“What did you want me to do?” he asks mildly. “Scream? Shoot you? Pretend I didn’t see this coming?”
“I hid it,” I mutter.
“You hid nothing,” he replies.
“I don’t know how this happened. He sees me,” I say quietly. “Not the version that works. The one that breaks things.”
“And?”
“And he still stays.”
Niko nods. “Yeah. That’ll do it.”
“He’s leaving,” I whisper, scrubbing a hand over my face.
“I know.” Niko steps closer, lowering his voice. “Listen to me. You’re not weak for wanting him. You’re not stupid for loving him. And you’re not doomed because of it.”
“That’s optimistic,” I scoff.
“That’s factual,” he counters. “The doom part comes from pretending it doesn’t matter.” I lean my head back against the wall, closing my eyes, and I let myself feel it fully — Caiden’s laugh, his hands, the way he looks at me.
It hurts.
“I don’t know what to do,” I admit. I glance back toward the bed. Toward Vladimir, the future I didn’t plan, but I will defend anyway. “I’m terrified,” I say.
Niko claps a hand on my shoulder. “Welcome to being human.” I let out a quiet breath, and for once, I don’t argue. I stay quiet, staring at the floor, waiting for the feeling to pass. But it doesn’t.
