Page 32 of Extra Grumpy
“Thank you for letting me stay with you,” she says. “I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else.”
As she pulls out of the hug, I can sense that it really is over. I’m never going to know the taste of her kisses again or wake up to her beside me in bed.
I give her a ride back to her apartment on my motorcycle, feeling numb at the feeling of her arms wrapped around my waist. Afterward, when I get back to my place, I walk straight over to my couch, drop down onto it, and rub my hands over my face.
I can’t remember the last time I felt this shitty. I want to believe that the hurt will pass and eventually I’ll get my best friend back. I want to believe that it will all be okay. But right now it doesn’t feel like that’s possible. It feels like we’ve permanently ruined our friendship, and there’s no going back.
I look around my apartment. It feels so fucking empty. My eyes land on the houseplant Emily got me. It looks like it needs water again. I get up and bring it into the kitchen and run it under the tap. But it feels like no matter how much water I give it, it’s never going to fully bounce back.
17
EMILY
Waking to warm sunlight and the sound of bluebirds outside my window used to always fill me with happiness. But for the past four days, when I wake up, all I feel is an achy heart.
I’m grateful to be back in my apartment. I’m grateful to have all my things again. But it all just feels a little empty now. I keep waking up expecting to feel Rock’s body next to mine, and when I realize that I’m alone and in my own bed, it’s like a punch to the gut.
The last few days have been horrible. Rock and I have been trying to go back to the way things were before everything changed, but it feels like our friendship is permanently broken.
I’ll be fine. Eventually. I know that Rock will be fine, too. We just have to get through this weird period, that’s all. Things might be awkward between us right now, but we’re both trying to get back to normal, and with time and effort, we’ll get there.
If I was able to fall in love with my best friend, I should be able to falloutof love with him, too…right?
I get up out of bed and go through the motions of my morning routine. Later, on my way out of the building, I see Jerry watering the plants and pause to say hello.
“Hello, Emily dear,” he says cheerfully. “Everything all right in your apartment?”
I nod. “Everything’s great. Thank you so much.”
He scrutinizes my face. “Are you sure? You look a little troubled.”
I try to laugh it off. “Oh, it’s nothing.”
“Boy trouble?” he guesses.
“Well…”
He smiles knowingly. “Ah. I guessed correctly. Can I give you a piece of advice?”
“Can I stop you?” I tease.
He laughs.
“I’m only kidding,” I say. “Of course you can.”
He nods. “Whatever’s bothering you, if it won’t matter in five years, it’s not worth worrying over now.”
I smile and say goodbye to Jerry. As I set out on my walk, I try to imagine what my life will look like five years from now. Multiple possibilities come to mind. In one imagined future, Rock and I are back to being best friends and still run the bar together. In other possibility—a fuzzier one—my life is completely different: I’m no longer co-owner of the bar, and I’m living somewhere else, maybe even in another state. And in a third version, Rock and I are together. As in,togethertogether. And we’re happy.
That last version fills my heart the most. It feels the best. It’s the mostright.
But it also feels like a complete pipe dream, a fantasy. I don’t see how we can get to that place from here.
I’m a block away from the bar when it occurs to me that today is the last day of the neon sign trial period. My heart sinks at the thought. I know Rock hasn’t changed his mind about the sign. As I approach the front door of the bar, my heart continues to sink from the disappointment of having to take it down.
I know it’s just a stupid sign. But it still really bums me out, knowing that today will be the day it goes back to being a blank wall.
I try to shake it off and reach for the door handle. As I open the door, the usual darkness of the bar interior looks different than normal.
