Page 8 of Psychotic Nightmares

I can’t.

I can’t risk losing her. Not again. I failed to protect her once, I have to save her this time.

“Fuck.” I groan to myself.What should I do?

I don’t have time to dwellon it now. I have to go and find out what the fuck happened tonight.

The note addressed to ‘Mr Stalker’ sits where she usually leaves her notes. I normally laugh at the nickname, but tonight is different. Tonight I scared her, I felt her fear. When it comes to my victims, the more fearful they are the more joyful I feel.However, when Natalie told me I was scaring her, my heart broke. She is the one person I didn’t want to feel like that, not of me. I promised to keep her safe and I failed.

Picking up the note, I sit on the sofa- which has been my bed the last few years - and open the paper.

Come and wake me up. But only if you promise not to scare me again. I want my old protector back, the one where I feel protected by him. Please. I need to feel at least a little safe tonight, Mr Stalker.

Sighing, I stand and look between my shoes and jacket left by the front door of her apartment, and her bedroom. I can’t promise I won’t scare her again, I have a pretty bad temper. But I also don’t want to leave her alone. I rub the back of my neck and look between the two doors again.

What should I do?

What should I do?

What should I do?

Fuck it. I stride to her bedroom door. I’ve only ever opened this door when I hear her crying in her sleep to keep an eye on her, but never entered. That is a boundaryI would never cross. She has given me permission though. Hovering my hand over the door handle I hesitate. Sweat starts dripping down my face. I have worn this mask for way too long today. Turning away from the door I head for the bathroom instead.

Locking the door behind me I slide off the mask and splash some cold water on my face. What the fuck am I thinking? I can’t enter her room, I won’t be able to control myself.

God damn it Julian, she was probably raped tonight and you’re thinking of your own fucking feelings. Get a grip!

The whole place smeltlike bleach as soon as I entered. I just thought she might have done some cleaning, but in the bathroom the smell hit me hard. Looking around I notice the bottle of bleach sitting beside the bathtub, some water still sits in the tub, I slide my finger through and smell it.

She bathed in bleach.

After drying my face and putting the mask back on, I go back to her bedroom door ready to confront her. She hurt herself after she promised me she wouldn’t. I knock twice before slowly opening it. Her heavy breathing tells me sheis sleeping, but not peacefully. The moon shines through the partly open curtains, showing her tear stained cheeks. There’s some fresh blood on the sheets coming from the new cuts on her arm.Why? Why do this to your beautiful self, treasure?You must have been hurting pretty bad inside for you to physically hurt yourself.My previous frustration dissipates quickly. I know exactly why she felt like she had to bathe in bleach. I’ve seen it time and time again with many sexual abuse survivors. They want to make themselves feel clean. Some scrub themselves raw, others stay in the shower for hours, and some use bleach. One even used fire to burn wherever the abuser touched. Every survivor is different, but they all have one thing in common.

They are strong, and they survived.

“Please, no.” Natalie mumbles. “No, stop.” She cries quietly.

Against everything my brain tells me, I reach up and stroke her face. “Shhh, treasure. You’re safe now.” Her eyes start to flicker open slowly. “It’s okay, it was just a nightmare.” I tell her softly. “I’m here now. Nothing to worry about, okay?”

“It’s you. You’re really here.” She reaches out for me, “I didn’t think you would come. You were so angry before.” Her tired voice croaks. “I’m sorry I made you so angry.”

“Shhh.” I wipe a stray tear from her cheek, “you have nothing to apologise for, treasure. I’m the one that should apologise to you. I’m the one who’s supposed to protect you and I failed.” Her lip quivers. “I promise, from now on I will always be there. No matter what.”

“I wanted to scream but I couldn’t.” She turns on the bedside lamp and I feel my temper rise. I was so angry earlier I didn’t notice. I didn’t notice the hand sized bruise around her throat. “So I used our memories to distract me from what he was doing. I forced myself to think about anything else but the fact my boss was raping me.” She starts crying at the words.I knew it. Howard will fucking suffer.I don’t care about his brother. I just want his blood.

I stroke the bruise gently, “you’re safe now Natalie. He won’t get to you anymore.”

She shifts her body around to face me, her legs red raw with mini scratchesfrom what I assume is the bleach soaked luffa in the bath. I glidemy gloved covered hand up her shin to her knee. Making sure to not go any higher.The cool air in the room makes her skin goosebump, she shivers a little in her shorts and tank top.“He’s my boss. I have work tomorrow.”

“You’re not going back.” I try to demand, but my voice comes out in a begging tone.

“I have to.” She breathes. “I have to work. I have bills to pay.”

“But…” I pause, I could easily take care of her, she would want for nothing. However, that would mean putting her in even more danger, and I won’t allow that.

“And I’m not going to let that bastard scare me away.” She voices, her strength coming out in just those few words. “I can’t keep running.” she shuffles across the bed a little then pats the empty space beside her. “Stay with me tonight please.”

“Natalie.” I start.