Page 64 of Psychotic Nightmares

And my world stopped spinning.

“Want to hold her?” Dante asks.

“No.” I daren’t touch her. Not with as much blood on my hands as I have. I don’t want to taint such an adorable little gem with my darkness. My hands tremble at the thought of a precious bundle being corrupted by someone like me. “I’m busy.”

“You’re denying cuddles with a newborn, because you're peeling some potatoes?” Dante cocks an eyebrow at me, smirking a little, seeing right through my bullshit.

Cocky bastard.

I used to hold Nico all the time when he was a babe with no trouble. So why do I have anxiety over holding Nattie-Grace? They are both innocent children, both untainted by the evil world in which we live in.

“I don’t want to accidentally harm her.” I admit, my voice quiet.

“You won’t hurt her, Julian.” Grace says from the doorway. Pea and Bull are still debating from whatever room they’re in. “Come with me.” She holds her hand out and I take it after switching on the hob to parboilthe potatoes. She leads me to the sofa and I sit, then lowers herself beside me and Dante leans down, placing Nattie-Grace into my arms.

Like placing a delicate flower into an old cracked plant pot.

Tears immediately spring to my eyes.What the fuck?“Are you okay?” I hear Grace ask and I nod silently. Her knuckles wipe at my cheeks. “Are you uncomfortable?” I shake my head, unable to take my eyes off of the sleeping baby. “Then why are you crying?”

“Shh, you’ll wake her.” I whisper. I hear the other two laugh quietly then stand.

“We’ll leave you to it then.”

Nineteen

5 months ago

The talk

Grace

After getting washed up and throwing on some of Julian's clothes, I sit on the kitchen floor while waiting for the kettle to boil. I can’t believe what just happened, I can’t believe I’m about to do what I’m about to do. I just hope I make the right decision.

Whether you agree with me or not, I have to do this.

“What are you doing?” Julian asks with a bewildered look etched across his beautiful face as he looks down at me from where he stands. God this man could easily have been a model, unfortunately with how the world is these days, he would have been judged for all his scars. His gorgeous green eyes are full of confusion, his smile is prideful. Like he is proud of me for what I just did to my abuser. To my daughter's abuser. He has also changed from his bloody clothes, now in the attire he used to wear when he slept at mine - some jogging bottoms and a plain tee. His slippers remind me of what old school grandfathers wear on the sitcoms I sometimes watch.

“I’m making tea.” I point to the cups I have out ready.

“We can see that.” Dante says, walking over and standing beside Julian. He’s wearing similar clothing to Julian and I smile. If it wasn’t for the difference in skin tone, these two really could be brothers.

And this, Grace, is why you have to tell them the decision you’ve made.

“But why are you on the floor?” Dante continues.

I shrug. “Comfortable.”

With heavy sighs, the other two join me, Dante stepping over me to sit on my left while Julian sits on my right, both have their backs on the breakfast bar opposite where I sit. Their feet touch the cupboards on either side of me, while I can barely scrape the marble between them, even with my toes stretched out. “What’s wrong?” Julian questions.

“Nothing.” I shake my head quickly.

“Then what did you want to talk about?” He pulls my foot onto his lap and starts massaging, I moan slightly and close my eyes. “Grace?”Fuck, why does my heart race at him using my birth name.

“Us.” Dante goes to stand. “Allof us.” I stare at him and he sits back down. Both of them watch me while I think of how to put into words how I feel. Although I love them both. I have to put my focus elsewhere.

I gaze from one man to the next then back again. Fuck why is this so hard. “I can’t be with either of you.” I blurt out.

Dante