Page 58 of Psychotic Nightmares

I was powerless.

I couldn’t help my daughter with her night terrors, but during the day she’s slowly been coming out of her shell. She’s been smiling more, even letting out silent giggles at times.

But when it comes to her nightmares. I’m useless.

After two months of Gustin having to come in to settle her, I decided to make Gustinsroom my room. I got them separate beds for their shared room, yet I have found her in his bed many times when I’ve checked on them in the night. Herasleep, him wide awake keeping an eye on her. Sitting up with his head against his knees. Whispering sorry again and again under his breath.

And everyday he apologises to me.

Every day he cries on me before she wakes.

Everyday I have to have one of the men take him out and assure him that everything he went through wasn’t his fault.

Even though I tell him multiple times a day, guilt is eating him up, and I can’t stand it. I hate seeing him so dull, not smiling unless it’s the one he puts on in front of Anya. Just like I used to do in front of him.

“You’ve got this, sunshine.” He kisses her temple tenderly. “You’ve got this.”

Anya screams through the last couple of pushes after being encouraged by us all, then a second of silence before…

Wahhh.

“Congratulations, you have a beautiful baby girl.” Bull cheers, wrapping the newborn up in a towel before handing her across to my own baby. Once she’s delivered the placenta and Gustin has cut the umbilical cord, we go to leave the room when.

“Grace.” A small voice calls out to me and my heart stops, this is the first time she has ever addressed me with her voice.Normally she uses her whiteboard we bought her to write things down, or she would tug at my shirt and point, we’ve even upgraded to whispers over the last few weeks. But hearing her voice, quiet and timid, say my name has my eyes stinging with tears. “Stay, please.” Bull wipes my face from the tears that fall and pats my shoulder.

“I’ll let the others know, and once everything has settled we will look into doing a DNA test.” He whispers while holding me close in one of his warm hugs. “Now go be with your daughter.” He says in a hushed tone close to my ear. “Plus I need to make sure Iggy and Rory are sleeping. Nico has been such a bad influence on them when it comes to bedtime.”

“Sorry for making you drag them out.” I give him an apologetic smile.

“No need to be sorry. They jumped at the chance of seeing these two again.” He gestures toward the new parents. “And you.” He pats my shoulder again, and after giving me a quick kiss on the cheek, he walks out the room.

Walking back over to the bed, I sit on the edge of the mattress and look down at the beautiful new bundle of joy. Her cute little button nose is the exact same as Anya's was when she was born, and on her head are thick red locks. I know we have to confirm it but I don’t think a DNA test is needed as I look at Gustin with his thick red curls. Pa had pure black hair before he started balding.

This little one is Gustin's child, I know it.

And this means we will have to keep a closer eye on him.

“She’s gorgeous,” I smile, keeping an eye on the young boy, whose eyes are glazed over. He’s deep in thought and I hope with all my might that he doesn’t do anything he’ll regret. “Have you thought of a name?” I ask, trying to keep the conversation light.

“Yes.” Anya’s voice is barely a whisper, then looks towards Gustin, she reaches for his hand and he is quick to come back to Earth. “Do you want to tell her the name?”

“If it’s okay with you, we would like to name her,” he glances at Anya who nods at him to continue. “Nattie-Grace.”

I feel a hand pull at the sleeve of my pyjama top. I give my attention back to Anya. “You saved us.” Her lip trembles along with mine. “So can we name her after you? After her aunty?”After her grandma.We haven’t told her I’m her mum yet. We all agreed not to tell her until she is well enough to take the news. “After our saviour.” She finishes and her cheeks redden a little.

I take her little face in my hands. “I would be honoured.” I press my lips on her forehead then pull her into my arms, careful not to squish the baby. “Now, you need to eat and have something to drink. What would you like?” I changethe subject.

Gustin chuckles slightly. “If Julian is here, I’m sure he’s already raided the pantry and cooked something.” He smiles a genuine smile. He has gotten really close to Julian since the night of Pa’s demise. And Julian, like the good man he is, has helped Gustin as much as he can when it comes to his self-hatred. As much as the rest of us have tried, Julian has been the one to really connect with him.

And even though he still apologises and cries almost daily, Gustin no longer self harms thanks to Julian.

I don’t know what I would have done without that man.

I laugh and agree with Gustin, Julian most probably does have breakfast sorted for everyone by now. “Okay, how about I go and see what he has made. And I’ll even get Dante to make his famous hot cocoa.” Gustin leans down and kisses Anya’s temple while stroking Nattie-Grace’s cheek delicately with his knuckle. “Soundgood?” I ask.

“Yes please.” She replies with a beaming smile.

“Would you like to see them or do you want me to send them all home?”