Page 33 of Dynamo
“Ain’t surprised. You never spoke about shit.”
“Did I have to, Pipes? Romeo read my mind and filtered it all back to you. Every single one of you knows my shame,” I spat.
Once I would have leaned on his shoulder. But I couldn’t even do that, and Pipes would be the last person to harm me.
“That boy can’t unsee what he did. He cut a lot out in the retelling, but it haunted him. He spent hours with Wisecrack working through his crap,” Pipes said.
“You saying I need help?” I demanded hotly.
“We all need fuckin’ help, girl. That don’t make you special.” Pipes chuckled. “I’ve seen and done some fucked-up shit. Never raped anyone, but I’ve dealt with cunts before when needed. Their blood, pain, and death are on me, and it don’t give me peace to know I harmed a woman.”
“You did that to protect the club,” I replied.
“Still on my hands, Dynamo.”
“I don’t want to talk about how powerless I was,” I hissed.
“You think you were weak? For two months, they had you, and you refused to break. That ain’t weak. Fuck that shit,” Pipes retorted.
“It’s pathetic.”
“Bullshit. If you’d given up, obeyed them, kissed their feet and done as ordered, forgotten yourself, then you’d have the right to be angry at yourself. You didn’t; you kept fighting until you got a chance. When you did, you didn’t hesitate,” Pipes argued.
“Pipes, they fucked me against my will, I didn’t give permission. They took that from me.”
“Yeah, they did. But you fought them, and as soon as you could make a connection, you did. There was nothing else you could have done.”
“I should have trained harder, physically and psychically, Pipes. Instead, I coasted, believing I wasuntouchable. Well, I was fuckin’ wrong, wasn’t I? I paid for that arrogance.” A sob left me, and Pipes lifted a hand before lowering it.
“You can’t even touch me because you’re afraid you’ll trigger me!” I snarled as I wiped angry tears away. “McKay was inside me, Pipes!” I screamed to the heavens.
Pipes cursed and hauled me to his side. I fought him at first, but Pipes held on until I collapsed into his arms. He murmured things as I sobbed, trying to get over my disgust that McKay and his band of grotesque assholes had fucked me. I wanted to scrub myself raw, shove a scrubbing brush up my pussy, and scour it clean. Because they’d shoved their dirty, maggoty dicks in me. I was a laughingstock to the Screaming Barons and maybe the Bloody Scorpions. It chewed me up inside; had they been there? Done the same?
I’d been okay, coping, until McKay. Now it was all coming back, and what Mike had done tonight had inflicted damage. The devastation of what happened was always there, but more about the fact I’d been trapped in my mind. That was the horror I’d taken away. My body had been violated, but that healed and moved on. It was being drugged and defenceless that caused the most trauma.
I had a power most people dreamed of, and yet I’d not been able to access it until Red eased my drug intake. Then and only then had I connected to Romeo. If not for Red getting overconfident, I’d still be there; worse, I’d be under someone’s control. The truth was,I’d been near to breaking, so damn close. If Red hadn’t become cocky, I’d have given in. Anything to ease the pain of being locked in my own body.
Pipes rocked me back and forth. The first man to hold me since I’d been freed. Some days, it was a struggle to look them in the eyes because I knew what they’d seen. Me, battered, bruised, raped—a victim. Something I had never equated with myself before. But now the entire club saw me as one.
“Shhh, girl, I’m here,” Pipes soothed, and he was. But he couldn’t take those memories away, and I wouldn’t let Romeo either. Because they would still know, and the thought of them knowing when I didn’t choked me.
“McKay touched me,” I sobbed. “He locked me in my mind and abused me because I was helpless. It was my fault.”
“Why are you blaming yourself?” Pipes murmured.
“Because I couldn’t break free.”
“We gotta blame Kosmic for leaving you then,” Pipes said, and I jolted in shock.
I’d never thought that. “No, why would you say that?”
“Kosmic blames himself. He knows he shouldn’t have left you, but he did. Which makes him guilty,” Pipes stated reasonably.
“Kosmic couldn’t have known what would happen!” I exclaimed, drying my eyes. Pipes had shocked me straight out of my crying jag.
“Don’t matter. We stick together, watch each other’s backs; Kosmic screwed the pooch.”
“Pipes! No!” I denied weakly.
