Page 140 of Steel

“She called him four times?”

“Yeah,” he snapped. “And you didn’t know.”

“Nope. She sure didn’t call me.”

“Because you treated her like shit for needing to head back. She cares about us and you.”

“Hey, Beckett boys,” Captain Daughtry barked from his office. “Come here for a second.”

Axe lifted his eyebrows. I trailed behind him as we walked into his office.

The captain was grinning. When we came in, he lifted his head. “Well, I gotta admit. I was skeptical so I can say I’m pleasantly surprised.”

As soon as I realized what he was looking at, I cringed. The calendar.

“A complimentary copy. I thought you guys might like to take the first peek since you’re both featured prominently.” He continued to hold it. “Violet did a really good thing in honoring your brother.”

“What?” Axe asked first.

“What are you talking about?” I followed.

He smiled as he handed off the calendar. “She asked that I keep the little special project a secret. Take a look.”

My hand was shaking as I took the calendar from his hand, flipping pages until I found what he was talking about. There was a picture I had forgotten of Will with his ‘Violet,’ standing with his shirt off and the usual shit-eating grin on his face.

“Shit. That’s… amazing,” Axe muttered. “Where did she get that?”

“I had it in a collection of photos. Unsure of the photographer,” the captain admitted. “I think she wrote a nice piece about the three of you and the entire team. I’m proud of you boys. Very proud. A real shame she’s no longer around.”

“Yeah,” Axe commented. “A real shame.”

I’d had enough. I just couldn’t take it any longer. So I walked out.

I should have known my know-it-all brother wouldn’t allow me to drive away without stopping me.

“What is really going on with you? That tribute to Will is amazing. Do you still think she doesn’t care? Is that what your reaction is all about? Or is there more to your sullen behavior.”

He would certainly recognize sullen behavior.

My brother wasn’t going to allow me to leave without talking to him. So I leaned over the back of the truck, peering toward the mountains. “That’s not the reason I reacted that way to seeing Will’s picture.”

“Then what is?”

This was even harder than I’d originally thought it would be. “Because I’m the one to blame for Will’s death. All this time you’ve been holding onto guilt and I haven’t been honest with you.”

“Maybe you should explain why.”

I barely gave him a quick glance. “I wasn’t sick that day of Will’s death. I was hungover, but I wasn’t sick. I allowed my feelings for Tanya to interfere with everything in my life, including doing my job and protecting the team and my family. I don’t know why I couldn’t tell you before. You were suffering and I was just… insensitive and angry. And bitter. I’ve been so bitter. I’m sorry, Axe. I never wanted to hurt you or allow you to take the blame when the fault is squarely on my shoulders.”

Axe was like me in that he could easily become emotional one minute and detached from reality the next.

This time, he was quiet, staring at the same mountains. “When I met Kenzie, you could call me a mess. I was just as angry, so much so I used to break things, punch walls. I honestly didn’t give a shit about anything or anyone. But do you know what she helped me realize?”

“What was that?”

“That all the guilt in the world wasn’t going to bring Will back. I knew you weren’t sick that day, but you needed to find a way to heal. We all knew how much you were suffering, but by that point, it was about letting you go through the hatred and rage your way. Remember when Viper came on?”

At least I could still laugh. “Yeah, you hated him. You thought he was taking Will’s job.”