Page 134 of Vicious Butterfly
Dollface
Noted. Is that, like, part of my husband duties? Be available after games?
Me
It’s your twenty-fourth birthday. It’s a husband’s duty to ensure his husband is honored on his birthday.
Dollface
Um, okay. See you then, I guess.
And, yes, I want to celebrate his birthday with him, but I need him. Have tohavehim. Touch him. In the meantime, I shouldn’t be around people. Definitely not students. It’s been too long since I’ve paid a visit to Kline. Maybe I’ll see how he’s holding up.
Iaccost Ryan as soon as he’s in the door. Lips. I need his lips. I don’t see him enough. I can’t. All I can do is go for as long as I can without him, until I can’t, and then fucking devour him. I got him to meet me at my on-campus residence at Shadowridge. I would have rather had him at my condo—our condo—than this pauper’s den, but it made the most sense.
My fingers search out the cuff on his wrist as I tear his mouth apart. He wore it for the game under his jersey. No one else seemed to notice, but I was looking for it. I watched it appear every time his sleeve slid up in the slightest, and it soothed something deep.
Ryan yanks away, panting. “Stop. We need tostop, Tate.”
Stop? But I pull away, unable to hide my reluctance. I’m not going to force myself on him, but I don’t understand this little interlude. Or like it. Regardless, he gets all my attention. I rest my thumb in the divot between his bottom lip and chin, my fingers resting on his jaw and trailing down his neck.
“If this is going to be like last time, sex and leave, I need to know.”
“I—”
His palm slaps against my chest. I don’t even flinch. I still flinch when my brother hugs me, but not when Ryan touches me. Does he know how significant that is?
And it’s so much worse than that. My body has been reminded of the touch deficit it’s suffered for almost two decades. I don’t tolerate his touch anymore. I need it. Crave it. Will die without it.
“No, I get it. I’m not a fucking idiot, Tate. You’re trying to control our interactions because they feel wildly out of control. Ditto. But it’s not gonna work. Fuck this, I’m outta here.”
I wrap a death grip around his hand. “Ryan, wait.”
“No. I know what you’re gonna say already. This was the deal. My freedom, your protection. You never promised to love me. But I … I can’t.” His voice breaks, lip trembling. Fat tears roll down his face. “We’re married, and Luke got his money. Sex wasn’t part of the deal. There’s no reason for us to be together, so I’ll wait at North Point until you can come for me. Until then, I don’t want to see you.”
Doesn’t want to see me? I brush a tear from his chin with my thumb, and it soaks into my skin like acid. Something cracks in my chest. I can’t breathe. He tries to pull away, but I dive, trapping his legs with my arms around his knees. Ryan crashes to the ground in the entryway, and I climb up his body, acting like a human cage.
“N-No,” I wheeze out. “No.”
Am I shaking, or is he? No, it’s me. His arms wrap around my head. “Shhh. Okay.Okay.I’m not going anywhere, alright? Tate, say something. You’re scaring me.”
I wish I could. Ease his fears. But I can’t speak. Can’t even stop my teeth chattering. It’s dark, and Ryan’s my anchor to this side of the earth.
Strong fingers run through my hair, and with my eyes closed, I find the steady rhythm of his heartbeat, matching it with the rise and fall of his chest.
It’s my way home.
Eventually, he moves, and I grip him tighter. “I’m not leaving, but I kinda need us to move. Leg’s falling asleep.”
“I will hunt you the fuck down and tie you to the bed.”
He laughs. “Why is that so comforting? I’ve officially lost it.”
Once I’m sure he’s not going anywhere, I let him move. We don’t take our eyes off each other. We spend another several minutes sitting across from each other, staring and breathing. Slowly, he reaches toward his foot, popping a boot off.
“See, staying, okay?” I nod, analyzing his every move as he unlaces the other and removes it, too. Then he stands, holding out a hand for me.
We make our way over to the couch, and he places me where he wants me, but he doesn’t sit, and I don’t like that. My eyes dart to the door. “Ryan.”
