Page 240 of The Girlfriend Clause
“I told myself you were controlling everything,” I said. “That you were making all the decisions, so I could keep you at a distance.”
I looked down at my hands.
“But that wasn’t it. I just didn’t want to want you that much. Because if I lost it…” I let out a breath. “That would have hurt more.”
My nose started to tingle, and I dabbed at it with the napkin.
“I watched that movie again.Say Anything,” I said. “You were right. We don’t know what’s going to happen. Nobody does. We just have to hope and take a chance… or stop making up reasons not to.”
He nodded.
“But I didn’t, Liam. I didn’t do that. I lied to myself about… God… so many things.” My throat tightened. “And it wasn’t cool. I was mean to you, and you didn’t deserve it, and I hate myself for it.”
“Andy,” he said, his tone serious. “Nothing you’ve done is that bad. Everyone makes excuses. Everyone fucks up. You know that, don’t you?”
I shrugged. If he was going to be nice to me, I was definitely going to cry.
“Don’t you think I fuck up all the time?” He dipped his head to catch my eye. “I do, Andy. Probably more than you. I’ve done a lot worse things than writing a letter to protect my job or making a mistake about someone’s motives.” He shook his head. “Those things are just… normal. Everyday mistakes.”
“Yeah?”
“Of course.”
“But the letter …”
“Oh, Andy, I didn’t care about the letter,” he said. “OfcourseI knew why you’d written it.”
Hedid?
“What I did to you wasn’t cool either, was it? I panicked, and ran, without telling you why.”
That had upset me more than I’d wanted to admit. I’d felt like such an idiot. And I’d really liked him, even then. It had hurt, because I thought he’d liked me, too.
“I suppose … not.”
“It wasn’t, Andy. But we talked about it, and I said sorry, and you said it was okay, and we moved on. That’s what happens in good relationships, isn’t it? You mess up, you do your best to repair, and you try to change.”
Was it thatsimple?
“Until the next time you mess up,” he said, with a wonky smile. “And then you have to do it all again and try to stay… kind about it.”
“I guess so.”
“So… it made sense to me that you’d write it,” he said. “I felt awful about it, but I understood.”
“But that’s why I felt so terrible, Liam,” I said. “I didn’t want to hurt you… but I did.”
“Andy, I knew that some of it was true,” he said. “That’swhy I felt bad. It hit home, and it made me want to change, to stop being this two-dimensional CEO guy I thought everyone wanted me to be. Because when you wrote the letter, that’s who you thought I might be, and it scared you.”
“Oh.”
“The person I am really—when I’m with you, just the twoof us—wasn’t the person I was everywhere,” he continued. “And that was weakness. I realized it, after we split. Being the same person on the inside that you are on the outside… that’s integrity. Something that’s solid, all the way through. It’s the same whether it’s morals, electronic data, or a building.”
“You realize only an engineer would say that, don’t you?” I raised a brow at him.
He laughed. “I expect so.”
“God, Liam. It’s so good to talk to you again.”I’ve missed you so damnmuch.
