Page 58 of Stables Spurs Suits
MATTHEW
DO THE SCARY THING
I thought asking Atlas to come with me to the city was going to be the way I could have everything I wanted. The job, the status, and the man. But he’s right. His life is here. His family is here. His peace is here, in this place with these animals. Why did I think asking him to leave all of this behind was the answer? Fuck.
When he left, it wasn’t like he was mad or anything, which in some way maybe was worse. He was… sad. My throat goes tight as the memory of his sad eyes resurfaces. I hate that I hurt him. Maybe he’s right. Maybe leaving for the city isn’t the great opportunity I think it will be. I was actually totally sure I would say no until I started thinking that Atlas might come with me. Then it all looked so wonderful. I imagined showing him all my favorite places to eat, and us going for walks along the riverside, going to a baseball game, having drinks, and dancing in the city. I could see it all, and it was amazing. But in every vision of thatfuture, Atlas was there with me. Now, knowing I’d be leaving him behind, walking away from a man who has captivated me from the moment I set eyes on him, I’m not sure I want it anymore.
I pull out my phone and text my mom.
MATTHEW: How did you know that Dad was the one?
My phone lights up with Mom’s number a minute later.
“Hi, honey, what’s going on?” she asks, and hearing her voice is like being wrapped in her warm hug.
“You know the guy I told you about?” I ask.
“Yes, the young horse fella, Atlas, wasn’t it?”
“That’s the one.”
“What about him, honey?”
“Well, I was sort of hoping… maybe… see, I sort of got offered a job… in the city.”
“Ahh, and you’re thinking because I left my hometown to be with your father, I could tell you the magical way I knew for sure that our lives would be wonderful and perfect and everything we dreamed of?”
I’m nodding like she can see me when I answer, “Yes,” excitedly.
“Sorry, kid. Life doesn’t work like that. You just have to make a choice to jump and hope there’s something, or someone, there to catch you.”
“Really? That’s all you’ve got for me? Make a choice and jump.”
“What can I say, kid? You get one life, and only you can make it into what you want it to be.”
“That’s the problem, though. Now I don’t know what I want it to be. I worked for years to get a leg up in the company, and now I’m thinking about turning it down to work as an assistant slash farm hand. I’ve washed more mud out of my hair in thepast few months than I have in my whole life leading up to being out here.”
“You were always a clean child.”
“Exactly, so why is it that I’m even thinking about passing up this opportunity?”
“Honey, no one can answer that for you. But I will tell you one thing.”
“Yes, excellent, go, I’m listening.”
Her soft chuckle comes through the line like a song.
“Don’t be afraid to do the scary thing just because it’s scary. Remember the loops on the roller coasters?”
“Yeah, I was terrified the whole time we were in line. I kept backing out as we got closer to our turn, and then made you rejoin the line again just to have me back out over and over.”
“Until you didn’t back out, and we sat down and…”
“It was amazing. I think we rode it twenty times after that, and every time was just as fun as the first time. What if both of the choices are scary?” I ask, but she’s silent on the other end. Finally, I sigh and say, “What if I stay and end up resenting him for missing out on something I wanted for so long?”
“That’s a possibility,” she replies, and I scrub my hand down my face.
“You’re just agreeing with everything I say. Can’t you just tell me what you would do?”
