Page 92 of The Laudanum Ladies' Society

Danny frowned. ‘The talk at home was that you were too good for us after you discovered London. Your father returned and boasted of your good marriage. I did resent it. I think a lot of us did.’

‘I expect he did, but I expect he neglected to admit that I was already pregnant.’

Gwen closed her eyes, remembering the arguments with her parents, the protestations on Archibald’s part that he had not intended it to happen.

‘My parents were devastated, and furious. I married Archibald, because we found ourselves in the circumstances where we had no choice.’

Her stomach curdled as she remembered her terror over using the contents of the small bottle that Nain Bethan had sent her to empty her womb. She hadn’t been brave enough to take it and the result was Archie, and marriage to his father.

‘If I had not been pregnant, then Archibald and I could have spent time together courting and deciding whether we were compatible. But the pregnancy bound us together. Archie has long since left home, leaving me without a reason to stay, but I stayed anyway, because I didn’t believe I could have a better life.’

She bit her lip and looked at Danny. ‘I told my husband that I consider our marriage to be at an end. I won’t be returning to the pharmacy, or to him.’

The ecstasy that lit Danny’s eyes caused her stomach to constrict with guilt and she turned away.

‘Because of me?’ he asked in a breathy voice.

Gwen shook her head, laughing to herself at the vanity of men.

‘No. I left Archibald for myself. Not for you, or because of you. I was a dutiful daughter. I raised a child. I tried to be a good wife. I’m not sure how successful I was at any of those. I’ve realised lately that I can do things for myself, though it is perhaps rather ironic that the things I appear best at are outside the law.’

Danny walked to the bed and sat on the edge. ‘I understand you weren’t acting out of any evil intent when you did what you did,’ he said quietly.

He sounded as if he was struggling with the admission, but Gwen seized on his words.

‘I wasn’t. I would never have done anything that would hurt people. Jenny and I thought we were giving women a chance to liberate their minds for a little while.’

He grunted. ‘Intent and outcome do not always go hand in hand. There’s a reason the law changed regarding opium and laudanum. It is too easy to misuse it.’

‘Yes, I realise that,’ Gwen said. ‘Though is it any worse than the use of gin? How many people spend their days insensible because of that?’

He grunted. ‘That’s not a convincing argument.’

‘No, I know it isn’t.’

Gwen walked to the window and looked down into the street, blinking to banish the tears that threatened to surface.

‘I deeply regret what Augusta did, and any part we played in her dreadful business, but I needed money, and I earnt it. I supported myself and I supported my husband. How many women can say that? I won’t apologise for it any longer.’

Danny didn’t speak for a very long time. He rubbed the base of his thumb with his other thumb, massaging the soft flesh thoughtfully.

‘Now that you have left your marriage, where will you go?’

Gwen balled her hands as anxious nausea filled her belly. ‘I’m not sure. I know of a room in a boarding house that is shortly to become vacant. Perhaps I will take the lease on that. Or perhaps I will travel. I haven’t given up hope that I might be able to do some good for Archie.’

Danny met her eyes and the lump of lead in Gwen’s stomach lightened a little.

‘You are a very determined woman, Gwen Walters.’

‘I may return to being Gwen Lewis,’ she murmured. The words came out of her mouth without prompting, and at that instant, she made the decision. A new identity as a widow, in case there were any repercussions.

‘As you wish,’ Danny said. ‘I will admire you under whatever guise you adopt. Come with me back to Wales, as I asked you before.’

Gwen’s eyes opened wide. ‘You still want me to come and look after Ruth, after everything you know I have done?’

‘Yes.’ Danny’s hands dropped to his side. ‘I have failed to look after Ruth properly. She needs a mother, and I cannot be that. I am not a father. I have no wife. As you have seen, Ruth is obstinate and she still has these delusions that she could have a future acting on the stage, or worse. It is going to take me a long time to get those thoughts out of her head.’

Gwen stared at the door of the adjoining bedroom where Ruth was still recovering. Despite her brazenness, she was so young and she had suffered so much, but something in Gwen responded to that determination with sympathy. Crushing it completely would end badly. Though she could understand why Danny would not see it that way.