Page 279 of Tar City
“You can’t put a dog that size on the back of a bike, Jax.”
“You can take the truck,” the worker says from behind us. “Leave your bike, and sign the paperwork.”
I glance back at the dog, my hand still buried in his thick fur. “Does he have a name?”
“Don’t know,” the volunteer says. “Nobody’s claimed him.”
“Scotch,” Jax blurts out.
“What?”
He shrugs like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “That way he’ll remind me to stop chasing a wild rabbit.”
I look at him but he doesn’t look back. He just rubs the dog’s head slowly while the giant animal leans into his leg like it’s known him forever.
* * *
6 MONTHS LATER
“How’s Millie doing?” Jax asks as I climb onto the back of his bike.
“She’s doing better. The nurse said she should be out tomorrow.”
I wrap my arms around his waist, the familiar motion a small comfort in the sea of shit my life has become.
“I’m so sorry, Sisk,” he says quietly. “This really sucks.”
“It does.” I sigh into his jacket. “I wish there was actually something I could do. I don’t know how to help her. She won’t listen. Doesn’t even want to try.”
“What did my father say?”
“That she needs to stop before it’s too late.”
Jax nods.
“Still up for this tonight?” he asks, changing the subject.
“Yeah, I guess.” I shrug. “Lou insisted. I’ve been a horrible friend lately. I’m just… tired.”
“He’ll understand if you don’t feel up to it.”
“No, it’s okay,” I say. “Thanks for coming along. He’s been so weird about this party. I think he repeated ‘it’s a surprise, don’t tell Andy’ a hundred times.”
“That’s what friends are for, right?” he says.
Friends. It’s been six months of this shit. Of being his friend. It’s not going perfectly, but I’ll take the scraps he’s willing to throw me. He’s been opening up, even if it’s usually after a few drinks and a blowjob. He even told me about his mom. I still can’t believe she left with Ronny. I didn’t see that one coming, but Jax just shrugged. Said they were probably seeing each otherforever since his dad was never around, so he wasn’t surprised. I know he took it as a betrayal, though. There’s so much about him that feels like a mystery, but also so much that is still Jax, the boy who saved my life, in more than one way.
I haven’t told him everything either. Not even that I came back here for him, but he probably knows that. And no, I didn’t think I could fix him and turn him into a husband.I just couldn’t stand the distance anymore.The tar didn’t make it easy either, constantly reminding me of my bargain. One day I’m going to have to tell him about that too, but I know it will push him away when I do. He’s going to retreat and say it’s for my own good. To protect me. So until I figure out a way to make sure he stays close, I’m keeping it to myself. I don’t like keeping secrets from him, but I’ll do whatever it takes to not lose him. Even if I have to pretend I’m fine with an occasional kiss and fuck.I’m obviously not.I would do anything to spend the day together, to do more than just share a drink or two when I stop by the bar.
He’s the only one who doesn’t notice though. Matt told me once how Jax doesn’t really have anyone serious. It’s all been me, besides random girls that try to fill the void. I’m not certain he was being honest or just trying to make me feel better. For now, I’m trying to be patient, give him time to figure out whatever demons he’s fighting, and hope he makes his way to me eventually. I’ve pretty much given up on forgetting him; it’s pointless.
I love him too much. Love him to the point of hating him for all it hurts. Love him to the point of madness, of giving everything back to keep him. It’s probably unhealthy to want someone this badly—that you’d ruin a promising career and return to a cursed city that’s lurking around, just waiting for me to hand over my first child. Yeah, something is definitely wrong with me.But it’s not love if you’re not losing your mind, right?
And yes, of course, I should be terrified about his dark magic—he hates when I call it that, prefers ‘powers,’ like that doesn’t say everything about him. It’s fucked up that it’s a gift from the tar, but it doesn’t frighten me. Not that I’ve seen much besides things bending and moving on their own. Jax tries everything to not use it, hates when I ask him to do something with it. I’m curious, but he shuts it down. I get it. All of this is so fucked up. But I hate seeing him act like he’s a monster. I can’t even say the words ‘full moon’ lately without him shutting down completely. The markings show up and he’s a different person. Told me I’m forbidden to come around during it.
Like that’s going to stop me. I told him before, I’m already damned, so I might as well be damned under him. He didn’t laugh, just looked at me with his beautiful red eyes and bent me over the bike.I learned that night that the price for damnation is a lot higher than I thought, and I was more than willing to pay it.
I really am doomed because I love the way it hurts when he fucks me like that, all angry and losing control. That day he even slapped my pussy like that was a thing. If it is, I didn’t know.
