Page 65 of Raw Notes, Rough Nights

“I wasn’t scared.” Theo’s voice was sharp. “I just didn’t expect—” He broke off, his expression going blank, shutting down in real time.

I recognised it instantly for what it was, the emotional equivalent of a door closing, quiet and polite, but final. I tried again, my voice gentle.

“Theo, you don’t have to explain everything tonight. But if you want to talk?—”

“I don’t want to talk.”

I winced at Theo’s cool tone, and regret flashed in Theo’s eyes the second he said it. I held my gaze, steady and patient.

“Okay.” I kept my voice calm, but I wasn’t about to withdraw. “But don’t push me away because of something I didn’t do.”

Theo stilled. “I’m not pushing you away.”

“You are. You’ve been doing it since I arrived. Okay, not all the time, but pretty damn close to it.”

Theo’s breath hitched, but he covered the reaction with a shrug so small it barely registered.

“I’m trying.”

“I know,” I replied. “But you’re trying to hold everything inside instead of letting me in.”

Theo’s shoulders tensed. “It’s not your responsibility?—”

“I never said it was,” I murmured. “But I care. And I’m not the enemy here.” Theo paled, and I softened instantly. “Theo, I didn’t mean?—”

Theo was already stepping back, not in anger, but more like a wounded animal retreating out of reach.

“I’m going to bed.” The words were quiet and tight. “Thank you for listening. I just… I can’t do this right now.”

I nodded once. It was the only thing I could do that wouldn’t push Theo further away. “Goodnight.”

Theo hesitated in the doorway, and I wondered if there was more to come.

“Goodnight.” Then he turned and went back into his room.

I picked up my sketchbook, my hands trembling.

What hurt was the look in Theo’s eyes when I saidI’m not the enemy.

I had an idea who’d taught Theo that closeness was dangerous. Theo had already named him.

Luka.

I’m not giving up. I’m not going to run away.

I wasn’t going to let one bad moment erase everything we’d been building. But that evening had made something very, very clear.

If I wanted Theo, I’d have to fight the ghosts as much as the man. And I wasn’t afraid of ghosts, not if it meant getting to Theo.

I stood and began the task of unfolding my bed.

Tomorrow, then. I’ll try again tomorrow.

I wanted Theo back, the Theo I remembered, the Theo who’d shaken me to my core.

I hadn’t meant to think about that summer. The memory of it had simply surfaced. I’d told Theo there hadn’t been anahamoment, but that was a lie and I knew it. My heartbeat raced as I recalled Theo in a faded T-shirt, sunlight sliding over the curve of his arm as he leaned over the piano.

The way my pulse had thudded in my throat when our shoulders brushed.