Page 53 of The Order of the Bitter Hunt

“I do. All vampires do.” I lift a shoulder. “But I don’t have a source right now. If you haven’t realized, I’m not dating at the moment.”

Their lips pop open. “I didn’t notice, actually…”

We both know it’s odd for me to be single. Ever since I discovered the wonder of romance, I’ve enjoyed having a partneror even two—but only when they know about one another, of course. I’m alone for the first time, and it isn’t because Iwantto be.

“I actuallytriedto get back into dating.”

“What? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Tobey is usually the first person I tell about my dates, and I probably would have, if it had amounted to anything.

“Because it didn’t go well. I had a… a panic attack, I suppose. At the restaurant. It’s embarrassing.”

If there’s one person who understands, it’s Tobey. I only know what a panic attack is because I’ve seen them have a few—often after a hard test back in high school. Their mental health has improved over the years, but I know I can lean on them.

It’s still mortifying to admit that seeing Amelia die has rattled me this badly. Tobey seems perfectly fine—even Caldwell does. And I, a bloodthirsty vampire… I am the weakest link in our chain.

Their brows furrow. “I didn’t know vampires could do that.”

“Well, we can.” I snort. “I’d never had one before, and it wasn’t her fault, but she reminded me of Amelia. I didn’t realize until we were in the middle of the date. She had red hair, and… it was nothing, no other resemblance, but I freaked out.”

There’s a frown on Tobey’s lips as they listen diligently. “Oh, Margaux…”

“Don’t.” I laugh sadly. “Don’t pity me.”

“I’m not pitying you. You know I’ve been through this before.”

“I do.”

“It’s okay if you’re not ready to date. Don’t push yourself right now. You’ve been through a lot.”

“You’ve been through it too,” I say, “but you still have Caldwell. Why is it messing withmelike this?”

“I don’t know. Trauma impacts everyone differently. Don’t judge yourself.”

“I’ll try not to.”

It’s easier said than done. Lately, I feel like I don’t know myself at all, and I certainly don’t like myself very much. Talentless. Stressed. Who am I?

After a moment of silence, Tobey says, “If you ever need someone to feed from…”

“Are you offering your neck?” I let out a boisterous laugh, pulling my hand from theirs. “Absolutely not.”

“And why not?” They narrow their eyes. “Should I be offended?”

“No. You shouldn’t.”

“Do I smell bad?”

“No, stop.” My laughter continues. “Feeding is intimate. At least, it is for me. When I feed from someone, I link with them. I can feeleverythingthey’re feeling.”

I press my lips to keep from going into details. The bliss and intimacy—most don’t understand unless they’ve experienced it. Every link is different, of course. It’s not always romantic, but it opens up a new connection.

My connection with Tobey is already changing so rapidly, and I don’t know if I’m ready to deepen it like that.

“Right.” They shake their head. “I guess I’ll never understand.”

“And that’s fine. I don’t want you to understand these things.”