Page 32 of The Order of the Bitter Hunt

“I suppose so, but I wish it wouldn’t. I miss meeting new people, but now, when I meet someone, I feel like I can’t trust them. And maybe I can’t.”

“Is there evidence of that?”

“Well, no…”

I could tell her about the ongoing murders, but I push away the conversation. Talking about disaster dates is what therapy is for, right? That’s probably what humans talk to their therapists about.

On days like these, Iwantto feel human.

“Sometimes anxiety comes even when there’s evidence of the contrary,” she says. “It doesn’t mean your anxiety is telling the truth. Remind yourself of that. Youcanmeet new people, even if you’re uncomfortable doing so right now.”

“Really?”

“Of course. Instead of jumping into the deep end, take baby steps. Meeting with a stranger alone may not be the best way to do it, even if you felt safe doing so in the past.”

“Then where should I start?”

“A group date with friends is a good place,” she says. “Tobey and Caldwell, for example. I’m sure they would go out with you. And you trust them both, don’t you?”

I’ve already talked about them enough times that she knows their names.

“There’s no one I feel safer around, and you’re right. They would probably love an opportunity to go out.”

Whenever we’re done solving the murders, that is. Tobey will probably call it a distraction if I ask before that. It’s hypocritical of them, considering they have a distracting boyfriend, but I doubt they’ll listen to reason.

“And you remember your grounding techniques?” she asks.

I nod but don’t otherwise comment.

“Have you been doing them daily?”

I sink into my seat and clutch a throw pillow, nearly hard enough to tear it. With an exhale, I release my grip. “To be honest, I’ve been forgetful lately.”

“Ah.” She chuckles. “That happens. You had a bit of a response there. What was that?”

“Nothing! I’ve been… been busy. That’s all.”

“I know you have, but it’s important to make time for it. Grounding can help in the moment, but it’s better to make a regular habit of it. The more you do it, the more grounded you’ll be, and the triggers will be less likely to go off.”

“I know. I’ll try to remember.”

“Set an alarm if you need to.”

These conversations are so mundane compared to my life. It’s a treat, and it always passes too quickly. I glance at the time on my phone, realizing we only have ten minutes left.

This happens every time. I spend the entire session saying things that don’t matter and forget to bring up the real problem until we’re almost out of time.

“There’s one last thing.” I glance up from my phone. “I know we’re running low on time, but…”

She nods gently. “Go on.”

“There was another murder on campus, and I was the one who found the body with Jun. You probably remember him. He’s the guy who?—”

“Of course, I remember Jun.”

Therapists must work hard to train their expressions because she hardly reacts to the news. The only thing I can see is minuscule, something I only note because of my enhanced senses. She grasps her notebook tighter.

“The body looked normal—peaceful, even—but it was a weird experience,” I say. “Actually, weird doesn’t cover it, but…”