Page 45 of Just for the Plot

“Dude, Cougar Vajeen is not the guy you want going out with the girl you have a crush on.”

Panic washes over me as I ask, “Why?”

“Because, he might be a douche, but he’s a charismatic one. I’ve seen him work his charms firsthand, to the point that with a simple wink, he’s taking a girl back to his place.”

“Wait, what?”

I quickly pull out my phone to…hell, I don’t know, reverse my text when I see three text messages waiting for me from Bower.

Oh fuck.

Oh God.

OH FUCK!

Bower:Ahhh, you’re amazing. Thank you so much.

Bower:Just looked him up, and holy shit is he hot.

Bower:Eeep! We have a date this Friday. I can’t wait. Thank you!

“Noooo,” I say, slouching in my seat.

“What?”

Looking Nolan in the eyes, I say, “They’re going out Friday night.”

“Oh…shit.” He blows out a heavy breath and then leans back in his chair. He flips his sunglasses back down and uncaps another Powerade, this time handing it to me. “Drink up, dude, you’re going to need the electrolytes.”

“Why?” I ask.

“Because your future is filled with a lot of tears and you’ll have to hydrate.”

“Stop. It can’t be that fucking bad.” Although, my stomach is feeling like it ate some bad lamb kabobs from Quints right about now.

“You can convince yourself of that, but let me tell you, it’s bad. Cougar is unmatched. He has women crawling at his feet whenever he goes out. He has his choice of anyone, and when he chooses, he goes hard. Hard with his approach and hard with his dick.” Nolan lifts up, glances around, and then says, “Rumor is, he broke a woman’s uterus once with his penis.”

“That is not fucking true,” I say, bile rising to my throat.

“Either way, the man is charming as fuck, and for someone like you, who has a massive crush on the girl he’s taking out Friday, well, let’s just say he’s your worst nightmare, and there is nothing douchey that will deter your girl away from him. And he’s only going to ruin her, because any other man won’t compare. Dick is too big, man.”

“You’re exaggerating.”

He pushes his sunglasses down his nose. “Six foot fucking seven,” Nolan says. “Pecs bigger than my goddamn head. Thighs that have cracked a watermelon with one squeeze. And that dick of his? A fucking tree trunk. I’ve seen it firsthand. Tell me I’m lying.”

“When have you seen his dick?”

“Don’t ask questions.” Nolan holds his hand up. “Just know your chances of being with this girl are nonexistent now. Unsure what Graydon was thinking, but welcome to the permanent friend zone, my guy.”

And just like that, dread fills me along with a heavy dose of regret.

“What the fuck, man,” I yell. “You were the one who told me to do this.”

He presses his hand to his ear. “For fuck’s sake, not so loud.”

“No, you’re the one who got me into this mess, now get me out of it. Tell your friend, Cougar, to cancel on her.”

“No can do. He’s not my friend. Also, this was not my fault.”