Page 169 of Just for the Plot

I shake my head. “No, Bennett. I think Cougar is a failed attempt on my part to convince myself that there are other options out there.”

“A failed attempt? So are you not going to go out with him anymore?”

“I don’t know,” I say, so conflicted. “There are things about him that I know I like, and the more I get to know him, the more I see him differently and not as the boring asshole I initially went out with. And he also keeps showing me a different side of him. Makes me think he puts up this front so he doesn’t get hurt, you know?”

“Yeah, I get that. When I first met Graydon, I couldn’t see past his grumpiness and negativity. But once I got to know his story, once I saw beyond the facade, I couldn’t stay away.”

“Makes sense.”

But I know I don’t feel I want to keep delving into Cougar’s psyche to see if I’m genuinely missing something I shouldn’t miss. Is that the key to this issue? Or do I ignore that?

“But with Bennett, there’s no trying. We get on so well. I don’t have to peel back the layers. What you see is what you get.” I trusted him at Adalade’s function. No question. “It’s just me and him, and it feels easy and flawless and like it’s where I’m supposed to be.”

“So then why are you keeping Cougar around?” she asks with curiosity.Because what if there is no one else out there who would deal with my crazy?

And that thought just annoys me. I do notneeda boyfriend to make me feel complete. I know this. I respect women who choose to be single rather than compromise when they don’t find someone they desperately love. But I wouldloveto find love. Being the person who loves unconditionally is something I crave. I want to build a life with someone and be their person.I want to feel treasured.

Maybe, quite possibly, Cougar is not that man for me, but what if we just need more time for things to truly click? He might get into reading eventually. He might become less self-absorbed. What would it harm to spend more time “trying”? He believes I’m girlfriend material, and I feel that’s quite transformative thinking.

“Because I know that out of the two of them, he’s the one I should be with. Bennett is technically off-limits. And I know that if I were to fully go all in on Bennett, that I’m risking so much—a friendship that means the most to me—and then what if things don’t work out? What if I hurt him? That’s two people I lose, two people I need in my life.” Cougar is the safe option.“Cougar has grown on me. He’s the one I know my brain is telling me to go with for now.”

“But your heart is telling you otherwise,” she says gently. And that does me in. Tears spring to my eyes.

“Fuck, I’m sorry.” I grab a napkin and dab at my eyes. “You just met me and here I am, spilling my woes and crying in front of you. Not the kind of delivery you were expecting, huh?”

“I’m actually glad Bennett asked me to deliver the cookies, because I’m always looking for new friends. I moved here recently as well, so it’s great to meet new people.”

“You did?” I ask, still dabbing at my eyes.

“Yeah, I was living in Peru for a while, researching the flamingos, but the grant ran out, and well, I had to come back. I got a job at the San Francisco Zoo, and that’s where I met Graydon. It all worked out and I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but I know what it means to have people to talk to when you’re going through something.”

“Thank you. That means a lot.”

“How about this? We exchange phone numbers and maybe we can meet up for coffee or something.” She gestures to all my paperwork on the table. “It seems like you’re doing a lot and you might need a friend to be there for you.”

“I do.” I nod, more tears springing to my eyes.

She smiles and then gets out of her chair and comes over to me, offering me a hug. “It will work out. I’m sure you’ll figure out a way to make the most of your feelings and what you’re going through.”

“Thank you,” I say just as she releases me. “If you were me, what would you do?”

“That’s a tough question, because I don’t know the extent of your relationship with your friend. Do you really think she’d be mad at you, or do you think that’s something you’ve developed in your mind? And I don’t want that to sound offensive. I just know how I can get sometimes.”

“No, I know what you mean. And it’s not something I’ve developed in my head. She outright told me he was off-limits.”

“Oh, I see.” Maple glances to the side. “That is quite a situation, and I can understand why Cougar seems like the simple option.”

“It’s the option where people get hurt the least.”

“Besides Bennett,” Maple points out and it feels like a gut punch, because she’s right. He’s the one who would get hurt in the scenario where I stop involving myself with him. But maybe…maybe he’d thank me in the long run.

“I think he’d recover,” I say, not really believing the words that are coming out of my mouth. “He’s young. He has plenty of options. I might be the one he wants now, but I might not be the one that turns out to be his forever, and that’s okay.”

That sentence, it feels bitter on my tongue, like it doesn’t belong there, like I’m allergic to such a thought.

“Well, either way, if you need someone to talk to about it all or just to hang out, or if you ever want to feed the flamingos, I’m your girl.”

“Thank you, Maple. I’m so glad Bennett asked you to deliver cookies to me.”