Page 88 of Tell Me I'm Enough

I huff out a laugh. “Not with Scott Sinclair.”

She studies me for a second. “You two don’t really get along, from what you’ve told me, huh?”

I let out a humorless laugh. “That’s an understatement. We’venevergotten along. He doesn’t even like me. I’ve always just been his little puppet…and a bad one at that if you let him tell it.”

Her expression shifts—more serious now. “What do you mean?”

I rub a hand over my jaw, debating how much to say. No one here knows my shit, not like that. These people know party Mason, football Mason, dumb frat guy Mason. But something about Simone makes it all feel less…stupid and pathetic to say out loud.

“He’s always made it a point to tell me how much of a disappointment I was…am. I’ve never heard the words ‘I love you’ leave his mouth, or gotten a single hug from him in my entire life. We’ve even gotten into physical fights…plenty of times, actually. I’m just…not like him, and he hates that.”

Her eyes widen a little. “Physical fights? Why?”

“Pick something,” I say. “Arguments over grades, me not scoring a winning touchdown that turned into a fight, him finding me drunk, me finding him throwing out all my dead mother’s things like she never even mattered…”

She’s quiet for a moment, like she doesn’t really know what to say.

“They were…married, right?” she asks, softly.

I swallow, pushing through the anger that thinking about her and him brings up.

“Yeah, I’m not sure he ever loved her, though…not that I saw, at least. When she got sick, he barely even looked at her unless it was to complain. When she died…I don’t think I saw him cry once. I didn’t even know if he was capable of feeling anything about it. I thought he just didn’t know how to care for a long time…like he was love-deficient or something, but then the twins were born, and suddenly, he’s soccer Dad, baseball Dad, PTO Dad. I mean, he’s still never been what they really need emotionally, and is always gone, but at least he isn’t mean to them like he was to me, and he showed up when hewasaround. I’ll take that. I’d rather them never have to feel that shit.”

Simone’s quiet for a while, and I can see the way she hates hearing that.

She cares too much sometimes.

“Mason…you didn’t deserve any of that,” she says softly. “Neither did your mom. I’m so sorry.”

I shrug one shoulder, even though it makes me feel emotional. “It was just normal, you know? It’s what I grew up with. And you really don’t even realize how fucked up it is until you see how other dads are with their kids. How you’resupposedto be with your kids.”

She stares off for a second like she’s trying not to get emotional.

“At least you’re going to be a better man than he ever was,” she says. “You already are…”

I look up at her, feeling my throat tighten. Compliments from people usually roll off me like nothing; I don’t typically like them or believe them. But, for some reason, hearing that from her hits something I didn’t realize I needed.

“Alright, enough of that,” I say, clearing my throat and forcing a smirk back on. “Tell me what’s been going on with you. How have you been? How’s Gamma? How are your roomies?You ready for Christmas break? Parents? Boyfriend? Anything to get this conversation off of me?”

She laughs a little, looking down at her notebook and scribbling something. “Good pivot.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not trying to cry in a study hall,” I say. “So. You and Tyler—how are things? You haven’t been talking about him every ten minutes lately? What’s up?”

She hesitates. Then that smile she always wears slides back into place.

“It’s been…okay,” she says.

“Just okay?”

She plays with the corner of a sticky note on her page. “I don’t know. He’s been so busy with school and basketball stuff. It kind of feels like he’s…pulling away? Like I’m the only one trying to keep us glued together half the time.”

I shake my head. “You better tell him I said to get his shit together. There are too many guys around here who would put every ounce of energy they had into a girl like you. He’d better step it up.”

She blushes, then sighs. “Sometimes I wonder if he’s just been with me this long because I’m…comfortable. Familiar. The easy choice.”

That pisses me off to hear her say.

“You could never be the easy choice, Simone.”