Page 305 of Tell Me I'm Enough

“Simone,” she says softly. “Tell me.”

“A couple of months before school ended…I had a…miscarriage,” I whisper.

Everything stops, and the room gets so quiet you could hear a pen drop. Lydia looks at me like she’s trying to get her brain to catch up to the words I’m saying, then her face falls completely.

“Oh my gosh,” she whispers.

I’m crying again for the second time today, and don’t even care to stop it. I need to let it out, especially with her.

“I didn’t even know I was pregnant until I was already fully miscarrying,” I say as my voice cracks. “I thought it was my period and then it wasn’t, and then I was on the shower floor, and there was so much blood, and I was so scared, and Lani helped me, and took me to the hospital and—”

I break.

Full body.

Ugly sob.

Lydia’s arms wrap around me instantly.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispers over and over. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”

I shake my head against her shoulder. “I feel stupid. I feel ashamed. I feel like—like I’m grieving something I didn’t even know existed until it was gone.”

Lydia pulls back and looks at me, tears in her eyes. “I’m so sorry that I’ve been such a crappy friend to you the last couple of years. I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t come to me with your pain because you were afraid it would affect mine.” She takes my face, making me look at her. “You can always come to me; you can always lean on me. I need you to let me be that person for you the way you’ve always been for me.”

I plant my face in her chest, crying. “I—I had to have a procedure to have…it…removed. I was two months along and didn’t even know it, Lydia.”

She holds me tighter, letting me cry on her.

“It was…awful. I felt like a shell of myself for days after. I kept telling everyone I was just so sick and on my period—”

“Wait,” Lydia says, the memories and realization hitting her. “I remember that. I mean, you never get sick. I remember you being in bed for days. That’s when…?”

I nod, wiping my tears away.

“I’m so sorry you were going through that, and I didn’t know. I hate that I wasn’t there for you. I should have been.”

“It’s okay,” I tell her.

Even though deep down, I wish she could have been, too.

After that way too emotional exchange, we spend the rest of the night stuffing our faces and feelings with food, and watching every classic Rom-Com we can find.

I felt a little lighter, telling her. Hell, a lot of things have made me feel lighter today.

Yet there’s still one thing that sits heavily on my chest.

One person.

61

Simone

“Get dressed!” Lydia shouts, jumping on top of me in the bed.

I throw her off, laughing, trying to still open my eyes.

“This is why we don’t do sleepovers,” I yell, throwing my pillow at her.