Page 298 of Tell Me I'm Enough

The water finally stops rising, but the pressure doesn’t disappear; it just pauses and gets slightly lighter for a moment. My arms are still trembling so badly that I can’t lift them any higher. I don’t turn around. I’m afraid that if I do, I’ll lose my balance.

Then the water moves away from my face, and I can finally glance down around me. There are bottles floating everywhere around us—empty, opened liquor bottles.

Did they just appear? Or have they been here the whole time? They’re bumping against me, knocking against my elbows. It’s almost like I’m a magnet for them, the way they’re crowding me.

I feel a hand on my back, and my brain wants me to be scared…but I’m not. It feels steady in a way I’ve never felt before. The feeling completely washes away any fear I had.

I can’t explain it, but it feels like a father figure. Definitely not the one I was born with, but one I wish I had.

It’s a little overwhelming—the feeling, the emotion it’s pulling from me. I’ve never felt so at peace and safe in my entire life.

The ground beneath my feet hardens. Not completely, but enough to feel safe, and I adjust my grip on my brothers as the water lowers half an inch, or maybe it’s me who rises up half an inch. I can’t tell.

Finally, there’s a voice that comes from the presence behind me.

“I don’t want you to be afraid, Mason. I’m here with you. I will make you strong enough to handle this and help you through the water. I will lift you up, even when you’re not able to stand on your own.”

When I’m finally able to turn around, I can’t make sense of it because I don’t see anyone.

But I know they’re there.

I even feel their hand as they take mine and pull me away from where I’m stuck.

I wake up, disoriented, and sit up a little, breathing heavily from the overwhelming feeling that’s still washing over me.

I’ve never dreamed something like that before that made me feel such intense emotions, yet I still can’t make out what any of it means.

The dream was so bizarre that I feel around for my phone to text Bash and tell him about it.

It seems weird and stupid as soon as I send the text. I feel dumb for doing it. It was probably just the alcohol and sleep aid I took last night.

No more than ten minutes go by before he texts back. And I wasnotexpecting or prepared for what his message said.

Bash: Isaiah 41:10 “Do not fear, for I am with you…I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

My heart drops.

Not in a scared way. In a full-body relief kind of way.

60

Simone

For the first few weeks back home, I just kept waiting for the pain to let up, like it was a bruise, like if I just stopped touching it, it would heal.

Now that we’re almost two months into summer break, I’m realizing it doesn’t work like that. Pain doesn’t stop because you ignore it long enough; it heals when you look it head-on and address it, stop pretending you’re fine, and work on it.

And I’m definitelynotfine.

Sitting on the screened-in back porch at my parents’ house with my knees tucked up to my chest, I watch as the sun melts into the trees behind our fence, enjoying the therapy nature always is. The cicadas are loud, and the air is thick tonight. Southern heat is different. It feels like it wraps around your entire body.

My mom’s windchimes clink softly in the breeze, creating a little song as they dance. I’ve always loved them. They’reannoying when you’re trying to sleep on the hammock near the side of the house, but when you’re sad? They sound like the perfect comfort.

My phone is face down beside me on the porch swing. It’s been face down a lot lately. Because if I look at it too long, I start thinking I’ll see his name pop up. I’ll get my hopes up. I’ll let my foolish heart believe he misses me.

When no one is around, and it’s quiet, all my brain can think about and focus on is him. All that I think about is the last time I heard his voice and the last time he kissed me. I play on a loop in my head how I told him I needed space, when that was the last thing I wanted from him.

I wanted him to fight…for me…for us.