Page 293 of Tell Me I'm Enough

“Do you want to stay an alcoholic forever? Or until it kills you?”

My shoulders drop. “I’m not a—”

They both deadpan at me.

“Okay. No…I don’t want to stay an alcoholic, happy?”

“It’s not about getting any satisfaction here,” Erik says softly.

“It’s just about acknowledging it, so you can do something about it.”

“Yeah? I already tried that, remember?”

“You tried it alone,” Bash states.

“Who else is there?”

“Us,” they both say.

I point between the two of them. “Y’all do that a lot. It’s kind of annoying…mostly because it makes me feel a little left out.”

They both laugh.

“Seriously,” Bash says. “We are. You don’t have to figure it out alone.”

I nod, but it doesn’t settle anything in my chest. Because alone is kind of my specialty.

I stare out at the yard for a second. “I don’t want to go home this summer. I don’t want to do the stupid internship; I don’twant to spend every day drowning myself, like I know I will if he’s around. The only things I care about are my brothers…and Simone.”

Erik makes a face. “You really hate that place, huh?”

“I don’t just hate it,” I say. “I feel like I’m suffocating in it. Plus, it’s pointless anyway…”

“Why?” Erik asks.

I inhale slowly.

“I’ve been…changing my courses,” I say.

They both freeze.

“Changing how?” Bash asks.

“I’ve been swapping out business requirements this year,” I admit. “And next year. I’m…um, switching my major. Well, I actually don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve been keeping it a secret from everyone because I don’t know why I’m even doing it. I just figured my dad would find out, get pissed, and make me change everything back. But, I—I just can’t. I can’t take over his business. I can’t handle that being my life. And I guess enough alcohol started to make me say screw him.”

Erik sits up straight. “Changed to what?”

“Marine biology.”

They stare at me.

“And your dad doesn’t know?” Erik asks.

“No.”

Bash’s voice gets a little concerned. “Are you going to tell him?”

I stare down at my hands. “I wasn’t really planning on it,” I admit. “I figured I’d just…delay it. Avoid it. Pretend it wasn’t happening.”