Page 292 of Tell Me I'm Enough

“Don’t act all surprised and shit.”

“Sorry,” Bash says. “I just—”

“Thought I was a manwhore like everyone else on this campus does?”

They both nod.

“Well, I’m not.”

“But, like…everyone says it, and you never correct them?” Bash asks, confused.

“Cause, why correct them? It’s easier to let the expectations people have of me be on the ground. Means you can only go up, you know?”

“Does Simone know this information?”

I shake my head. “No, and that’s kind of the problem. She um…she thinks I slept with someone else. Or she thought I did. I don’t really know what she thinks now. She told me to basically leave her alone and that she needed to let go of me and have time to think about things.”

Bash continues to nod, taking all of that in, then scratches his chin. “So…is the sleeping around—that you’re not actually doing—the only issue here?”

I shake my head no again. “The um…drinking thing, too.”

Bash doesn’t look surprised. “Yeah, I’ve been watching you spiral with the partying a bit since you broke sobriety. I figured that was a factor.”

I rub my palms over my jeans, feeling embarrassed. “It’s worse than you think.”

Erik leans forward, elbows on his knees now. “Define worse.”

I hesitate, feeling stupid for having to admit it. “I don’t just drink at night, or at parties…it’s kind of…all day, every day.”

“Have you been drinking this morning?” Bash asks.

“No…but I’ve wanted to. This is the longest I’ve been awake without drinking in…a while.”

I can see Bash’s wheels turning, trying to figure out what the right thing to say here is.

I decide to fill the space for them.

“I think I’m actually losing her, before I even get a chance to have her for real.”

“What do you actually want with her?” Erik asks.

“Everything.”

It really is that simple. I want everything with her.

“But,” I continue. “I think I’ve screwed that up too badly. I’m not even someone who can give her everything right now, and she’s smart to look at the mess I am and wanna run away.”

Bash shakes his head. “Nah. That’s not how this is gonna work.”

“Huh?”

“You’re not gonna play the pity party game and then just stay in the same cycle.”

“Rude.”

He just shrugs. “Do you want her back?”

I nod.