Page 286 of Tell Me I'm Enough

By the time I reach my dorm, my chest feels hollow. I stop at the door and close my eyes, feeling overwhelmed.

Fuck this. It’s time to choose myself.

57

Mason

I wake up to grass in my mouth, sunlight in my eyes, and my skull feeling like it’s splitting open.

I blink against the brightness and immediately regret it.

Why the hell am I outside?

I shift and feel something crunchy under my shoulder—leaves.

My cheek is pressed against the lawn behind the Sig house, and there’s a red Solo cup tipped over near my hand like the crime scene I’m a part of.

I try to sit up slowly, but stop.

Bad idea.

My head pounds so violently, I swear I hear my heartbeat in my teeth.

Hell. What did I do last night to deserve this?

I squint towards the house where the back door is propped open. Someone’s blasting music inside, but it’s not party musicanymore; it’s the morning-cleanup kind of music now. The kind you play while waking up drunk kids and sweeping up bad decisions.

How fucked up did I get?

I drag a hand over my face, trying to piece it together.

Okay. The end-of-year party. Tito’s.Lotsof Tito’s…and beer…and whatever the fuck is in that punch they make. There was chanting, and…Simone. Her smile. The way she laughed in my arms. The way she kissed me like nothing else mattered. Then she was gone. And the party kept going even though it felt like it stopped because she wasn’t around anymore. There were girls everywhere, all over the guys around me. A blonde I don’t even know, who was trying to attach herself to me. In my face. Laughing too hard. Hands everywhere. On my chest. On my arm. I remember looking around, looking for Simone. I remember searching for any way to politely reject her and escape the way she was boxing me in. I remember her leaning in to my ear and having this repulsion run down my spine. I told her I was feeling sick and put some distance between us before scanning the room again, looking for Simone. I couldn’t find her, but when Tanner walked by, I grabbed him, desperately needing someone to give me a way out of there.

I ended up pushing the girl off to Chase, who happily took the girl off my hands, giving her whatever attention she was chasing. After that, I rode with Tanner on a beer run…I don’t really know what happened next; everything is blurry after that point.

I remember trying to get into my room. I remember the door being locked, and Chase yelling something about how I owed him for all the nights I kicked him out of our room. I remember trying to call Simone. And Idefinitelyremember her not answering.

After that…blank. I’ve got nothing. And now I’m here, in the fucking grass.

How many rock bottoms am I going to hit?

Because this definitely feels like one.

I pull myself up and bend my knees to rest my arms on as I wait for the spinning to even out. Then I dig my phone out of my pocket and hit call on the only name in my recent call log.

No answer.

I call again, and again.

Did I do something to fuck up last night?

Even more than I have been recently?

Is she finally over my shit?

I can’t get my brain to stop spiraling.

I can’t even get my brain to stop spinning.