Page 273 of Tell Me I'm Enough

I was pregnant.

I was pregnant, and I didn’t even know.

I didn’t even get to be excited before it was ripped away.

That thought freaks me out.

I wasn’t ready for kids.

I wasn’t ready to be a mom.

But I would have been.

And Mason would have been…a dad.

Fuck, that makes tears start to sting behind my eyes. I don’t know why I’m picturing that baby being the perfect mixture of Mason and me.

It’s such a cruel thought.

We could have been preparing to be parents right now.

The thought is so absurd it makes me nauseous. And then it makes me sob.

I feel Lani’s arms on me as she wraps me in a side hug, trying to comfort me.

The doctor goes on to explain everything that will happen and what the procedure entails, making me even more nervous and feeling vulnerable.

“We’ll use local anesthesia. That just means we’ll numb your cervix. You’ll be awake. You’ll feel a little pressure and cramping, but it’s a short procedure. Only about ten minutes.”

Awake.

“I’ll be awake?” I ask, repeating it like I didn’t hear that right.

“Yes,” she says softly. “If you prefer sedation, we can discuss that, but given your stability and how we need to move fairly quickly, local anesthesia is very safe and effective.”

“Um, yeah. Okay. Whatever you think is best.”

She nods.

“Do you have family you’d like to call?” she asks. “A parent? Anyone else who should be here?”

“How…how long does the procedure take again?” I ask because none of this is sticking.

“The procedure takes about ten minutes, thirty minutes total with prep, and then we would keep you here for about another two to five hours for post-op care.”

I look up to Lani, trying to wrap my head around all of this and trying to think what I should do. It all feels like too much right now. Emotionally draining, and not something I want to talk more about or re-explain to anyone else. I don’t want myparents worrying, and I don’t want them to be disappointed in me either. I don’t want Lydia panicking for me and stressing herself out.

And Mason….

All I want is Mason right now.

And he would come.

But it would destroy him. He doesn’t need that guilt or stress. I can’t let this push him even further.

Would he be mad at me?

Would he blame me?