Page 238 of Tell Me I'm Enough

I shrug, shaking off the need that’s been twisting in the pit of my stomach. “I don’t know. Nothing, I guess.”

Bash raises a brow.

I shake my head, giving in, knowing these guys are the only ones I can open up and talk to about all of this.

“What was your, like…thing?” I ask.

“Thing?” he repeats, confused.

“Yeah, like what was the thing that kept you from drinking when you got…triggered?”

He hesitates, searching my face like he can figure out what’s really bothering me.

“Parents weekend,” I tell him, giving him what I know he’s looking for.

He nods, understanding.

“Well, you probably won’t like my answer…”

“Try me.”

“Um…those were just the days I ended up praying harder than ever. It was more like begging, but it usually worked.”

I stare at him.

“…So what? I just take some Christianity pill, and then all my problems disappear?”

“No,” Bash says simply. “The problems don’t go away. You just finally have something to turn to that doesn’t destroy you. It’s not about making the bad not exist anymore. It’s about redirecting where that anger and hurt and struggles go.”

The words land somewhere deeper than I want them to. And it’s annoying, really. Religion seems like such a cop-out, like this band-aid people use to make themselves feel better when they can’t change reality.

Don’t get me wrong, I respect Bash and Erik. I would never talk shit about their beliefs, and I’m glad it works for them. I just think it’s a little far-fetched. And hell, the most religious people always turn out to be the most crooked, so what does that tell you…?

I think God is probably real. Has to be on some level, right? I don’t know. I don’t really know enough about any of it. My mom tried to take me to church growing up, but my dad always hated the idea. He always told her it was a sham, and she was wasting her time going somewhere that only existed to take money from people dumb enough to believe the shit they were spitting.

Religion just makes me think about death a lot, how maybe this really is it, this is all there is. It’s kinda depressing to think about, honestly. To think we go through all this just to what…not wake up one day? Never exist again?

Fuck. That thought can send me into a spiral quickly.

I shake it off, pulling my attention back to the guys. “I’m glad that worked for you, really. I guess I was just looking for something more…doable…for me at least.”

Bash shrugs. “I tried everything you could think of on my hardest days…and I still ended up in a liquor store parking lot way too many times to count.”

“I guess I’ll put it on my to-do list,” I say sarcastically.

“You know,” Erik pipes in. “Maybe you could come check out Breakaway with us next Tuesday.”

“Break-a-what?”

Erik rolls his eyes, sitting down and leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.

“Breakaway,” he repeats. “It’s this worship night they do with all the students on campus.”

“I, um…sounds cool, but…I have football,” I lie.

Erik smirks. “Funny, cause they do it at the stadium. So try again. And maybe use a better lie this time.”

I glare at him. “Bite me.”