Page 208 of Tell Me I'm Enough

“Nonexistent,” I tell her. “I don’t know if you forgot…but I was cheated on, remember?”

She gives me a no-shit look. “Yes, I remember. But…”

“But what?”

“But it’s been a while now. Hell, almost a year, Sim. And we’re in college. When are you gonna get back up on the ride?”

“You mean get back up on the horse?” I ask, laughing.

She waves me off. “Yeah, same thing, whatever. Point is, you have a lot of hot horses you could get on around here.” She pauses, grimacing. “Yeah, ride sounds better. You’ve got a lot of hot rides you could be on around here, especially with all the frat boys you’re constantly around.”

I can’t help but laugh at her. “Do I need to remind you how disgusting most of the frat boys are around here? Or did all the drugs cloud your memory?”

She looks at me appalled, and then we both laugh.

“Okay, fine. You have a point there. Frat guys probably aren’t the way to go. But they could be fun while you’re still nursing that broken heart of yours.”

I stare at my notebook. “I don’t think I’m ready.”

“College is kind of the perfect place to not take things too seriously,” she says.

I let out a humorless laugh. “Tyler messed with my head pretty badly. I don’t know if college is the place to find someone I can trust.”

She nudges my knee. “You don’t have to fall in love.”

I glance at her. “What, you think I should just sleep around?”

She laughs. “No. I know you’re not a meaningless hookup kind of girl.”

Mason’s face sneaks back in again.

That was the agreement, wasn’t it? Friends. No feelings. No expectations.

Just…him. And me.

I felt like I had him for a while, all to myself. Until it all blew up.

I think I just wanted him so badly, I convinced myself that was enough, that if I kept it small, I couldn’t get hurt. That was mistake number one. Thinking I could just give myself to him the way I did and not fall for him.

I haven’t heard from him since the Halloween party. He hasn’t even tried to reach out.

This is what he does, though. Something goes wrong, and he avoids it at all costs.

I really thought he was starting to care about me more than just as a friend. That’s why I said what I said on Halloween. Itwasn’t to keep our arrangement in line…it was to see if he might feel what I felt.

Guess I’m just the dumbest girl on the planet when it comes to guys.

Lydia studies my face. “What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing.”

She squints. “That’s a lie. Is there a boy you haven’t told me about?”

“What? No!” I laugh too quickly to play it off.

“You know, you’re always doing everything for everyone else,” she says quietly. “It’s okay to focus on you now, too. You deserve to be happy. And to have some fun.”

I smile, even though my chest aches.