Page 168 of Tell Me I'm Enough

I don’t answer.

“Yousmelllike you had a long night,” she adds.

I look up to meet her eyes. There’s no judgment there, just curiosity and interest.

“Is that a problem?” I ask.

Her lips twitch a little, and her eyes go soft. “No. Not for me.”

Brooke is kind and forward with the things she wants, and she’s familiar in this easy kind of way.

I’ve done nothing but constantly think about Simone all break, her beautiful face, her light, the way she makes breathing easier when I’m around her.

I haven’t called her, even though I stare at my phone almost every night wanting to. We’ve texted a little, mostly me just checking in and making sure she’s okay, but I can tell her mind is there with Lydia, and she needs the space.

I can’t help but wonder if Tyler is around for the summer. If he’s tried to see her, tried to get her back again. I saw how much seeing him hurt her, how much she must have really loved him, and how much those feelings don’t just go away because someone hurts you.

I wish Simone were like any other girl I’ve met. I wish I didn’t care so much. That’s what I’ve always told myself was the safest thing to do—for this exact reason. I feel like I’m going crazy thinking about her, thinking about someone who doesn’t even look at me as anything other than a friend. No matter how much it felt like she might before summer started.

“You gonna pour me a cup?” Brooke asks, nodding at the coffee pot.

I reach past her, boxing her in without thinking, grabbing a mug. My arm brushes her chest, and she doesn’t move away.

“You technically work forme, remember?”

“Yeah, but I love a good power dynamic role-play.”

I shake my head and hand her the mug. “Nobody makes me their bitch, role-playing or not.”

Her laugh is soft. Dangerous. She sets her mug down and reaches for my tie, tugging it slowly. “You’d probably like it. Most men in high-power positions like a girl to dominate them.”

I feel nothing in this moment, and I so badly wish I did. All I feel is the urge to erase the thoughts of a girl who is all sweet words, pure sunshine, and a personality too big for this world.

Looking at Brooke right now makes me question why I don’t just do the easy hook-up thing—the no feelings, easy pleasure, and a good distraction. Maybe it’ll ease the ache that always sits with me. Maybe hooking up with someone could give me a better release than trying to numb with what’s in that bottle on my desk.

I step over, placing myself directly in front of her, arm propped up on the cabinet behind her head, and look down at her. She’s here, and I feel like I’m drowning, and the girl I want could never want me…so why not?

If I have to wait for the right person to do this again, I’ll probably be waiting forever.

I take my hand and place it on her face, imagining I’m touching someone else. Then I kiss her. It’s fast and too rushed, needing it to bring me some kind of relief or pleasure. Her mouth opens, and she lets me explore her, hands already finding their way onto my chest, nails digging into my dress shirt. She tastes like coffee and sugar and something that could easily fix my problems right now. I lift her onto the counter, and she wraps her legs around my waist.

I close my eyes, picturing another pair of lips on mine, picturing another body in my hands.

She kisses me like she’s been waiting for this moment, waiting for me to finally give in to her. And I let her take chargefor a moment, because once I take over, I plan on doing thismyway. I need it to be what getsherout of my system.

I step back just long enough to cross the room and lock the door. The click of it locking is loud and echoes in the small room, like it’s solidifying what I’m about to do. When I turn back to her, she’s watching me with a look that makes my stomach twist. I need to do this. I need to know I’m not broken.

I push the dread feeling away and walk back over to her, hands sliding up her thighs before kissing her harder this time, rougher, and more desperately. Her hands slide into my hair and tug just slightly.

When I close my eyes, I see Simone.

As much as I want her out of my head and out of my thoughts, it feels too good to picture her here instead.

My hands move to lift up her skirt, and she quickly starts to help me, taking them off. I take my time, roaming over her body, wanting some high that will block everything else out.

Moving my head to the top of her shoulder, I slide her shirt down, starting to kiss a trail up her neck. She shivers at the contact, gripping onto me tighter, and it sends a wave of false pleasure through me.

I’m lost in the picture I’m painting in my head when I lean down and kiss her ear. She lets out a small moan and quickly moves her hands to my pants, fumbling to get my belt off. I throw my head back, not being able to open my eyes as she keeps going.