Page 54 of Intent to Kill
Paul spread the cards and took a puff of his cigar. “I’m gonna ask anyway.” He blew the smoke in circles. “Are you still in love with her?”
Adam thought for a second, holding Paul’s gaze before glancing to the bathroom, switching back and forth between the two.
“No,” said Adam. He clenched his jaw like it could hold his mouth shut. “I didn’t come back for her.”
“You’ve got a good poker face,” Paul said, though if he was surprised by the answer, he didn’t show it. “If I didn’t know better, I might believe you.”
Adam quietly watched Paul perform trick shots with the cards. He didn’t want to let anybody see what he was feeling. He didn’t want them to notice his anguish. Getting close to her again was harder on his heart than he imagined. The thought of Blake’s hands over her body...kissing her, sleeping with her, touching her; it made him feel like he’d swallowed lead, inducing panic every time the images assaulted his mind.
He needed to get some air or he might explode.
“I’ll be right back,” Adam said. He downed the last of his scotch and bolted. He jogged down the stairs to the street and into the alley behind the hotel.
Leaning against the brick wall, he rested his hands above his head, taking care to control his breaths. His fear was like a shadow. Always hanging in the background, its presence usually unnoticed but not forgotten.
When he was younger he feared nothing, and that was stupid. There was plenty to fear. Now he was terrified, every moment of every day. He worked so hard to control it, to harness it, to feel the fear, and do it anyway. Sometimes it wasn’t so easy.
He took a few minutes to catch his breath and let the night breeze slap sense into him like a mallet. After composing himself, he headed back upstairs.
When he looked up, Mercedes was standing there over him. She closed the glass front doors behind her.
“You taking off, baby?” Adam asked, through heavy, unsteady, breaths that had her frowning at him.
“What’s up with you?” she asked, coming down the stairs to be level with him on the sidewalk.
“Nothing.”
“You look pale, and you’re sweating.” She placed the back of her hand against his forehead, the concern in her eyes reflected by the hotel’s glowing pink neon signs.
“I’m fine.”
“Well, I have to go back. I’m just waiting for a car.” The lone glow of lights poured shadows over her face. The directions pointing like an arrow to her thin lips. He needed to get a hold of himself.
Adam took a deep breath and began walking up the stairs.
“You can wait with me,” she said. “If you want.”
He whirled back around to face her, cocking his head. Surely, he’d misheard. But looking in her eyes he found her expression open. Without the anger that had been forefront since he’d returned.
He descended the stairs and stood at her side on the curb, eyes forward to not spook her.
“I almost don’t want to go back.”
She could’ve knocked him down with only a finger. He composed himself before speaking. “It’s good to have the old crew back.”
“For me, they never left,” she said, her jaw tightening. She winced, like she was catching herself doing something she shouldn’t, before speaking more softly. “But you’re right. It’s good to have everyone back together again.”
“Even if things aren’t the way they used to be,” he said.
“Maybe they’re better this way. Maybe we’ll distract each other less. Not cause so much conflict in the group.” She turned to him with a sympathetic smile.
“Maybe.” He nodded in agreement. Inside though, he knew things would never be better this way. A world where they weren’t together would never be favorable to one where they were.
A taxi pulled up across the street and Mercedes pointed in its direction. Adam nodded and waved with just a flick of the wrist.
For the umpteenth time that night, she surprised him, stopping suddenly before she could cross the road.
She was still, her head turning back and forth like even she was unsure what she would do next.
