Page 90 of Saving Forever
“I don’t want to take advantage of you,” I whisper.
He nods. “I understand. Is okay. If you get the job, you can rebuild your life. This is important.”
Not as important as you.
I don’t know why I can’t tell him that either.
“Can I ask you something?” I ask.
“Yes, of course.” He shifts from one foot to the other.
“What happens when you retire from hockey?”
“I cannot think about that. I hope to play for a long time.”
“I know but…what is your general plan? Do you look for another job in hockey? Do you go back to Russia? You must have a loose plan.”
“Of course, I will go back to Russia. Russia is home. This is always my plan.” And with that, he turns and walks out of the bedroom.
The tears come so fast I can’t stop them, and as I sink onto the edge of the bed, I realize I’m still clutching the bear.
And my heart breaks all over again.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Viktor
We win game two, and I’m gratified because by putting Holly completely out of my mind, I’m able to give my all in the game. And it made a difference.
I allow myself an hour to wallow in self-pity, and then I bury all the emotions as deep as I can and focus on hockey. These next three games in Anchorage are going to be brutal. We’re already dealing with a handful of minor injuries but it doesn’t take much to mess up the vibe or make the guys more vulnerable.
I’ve barely seen Holly since our conversation. She still sleeps at my side but has made herself invisible the rest of the day. I’m not sure how she’s spending her time and I don’t ask. The growing distance between us feels wrong but there’s nothing I can do about it. She made her choice and I have to live with it.
She’s right that it’ll make the divorce that much easier. What she didn’t take into consideration is the fact that I don’t want to divorce. Of course, I never told her that, but I thought I was showing her. Maybe gifts aren’t the way to tell a woman you love her. I thought the whole bear thing, with the note about my heart, would tell her how I’m feeling.
Once again, I totally misjudged the situation.
And now she’s moving to New York.
There’s no doubt in my mind she’ll get the job.
She’s smart, brilliant, and beautiful. Not to mention connected to a politician. They’re going to make her an offer and then she’s moving to New York City. A thousand miles away from me and the life we’ve started to build in Atlanta.
I thought maybe she felt the same way I do, but then why would she even consider taking the job? It’s complicated, I know that, and we’ve been together five weeks. That’s not enough time for…anything. Is it?
No.
And it’s not fair for me to tell her how I feel when everything around us is so uncertain.
Especially once she asked me about going back to Russia.
I don’t have any idea what I’m going to do when I retire.
Am I going back to Russia?
I only said what I said to protect myself. Which was stupid, but in the moment, she hurt me. I’ve tried so hard to show her how I feel and she just blindsided me with the New York thing.
How the hell is she going to fall in love with me if we’re living a thousand miles apart? It makes no sense. I thought there were feelings. I felt the damn feelings.
