Page 86 of Saving Forever
We walk into the Godiva Chocolate store, and there are small boxes of some limited-edition flavor and I buy one of those. It has a pretty gold bow and they put it in a beautifully decorated gift bag.
I don’t even know if she likes chocolate but at least the packaging is impressive.
“Okay,” West says as we head out. “You’re all set once you stop for flowers.”
“And I just give them to her?”
He rolls his eyes. “No, dumbass. You start with, ‘listen, baby, I know I was an asshole last night, but…’ and then you give them to her.”
“But what?” I ask.
I earn another eye roll. “But I’m sorry. I love you. Whatever.”
“We have not…we do not say the love word.”
“I see.” He pauses. “Do you love her?”
“I am not sure.”
“How come?”
“How come what?’
“Why aren’t you sure? You look and behave like you do.”
“Is very fast and I have never done this before.”
“What, been married or fallen in love?”
“Both.”
He stops walking and stares. “You’ve never been in love?”
I shake my head. “Only in school, at sixteen, seventeen. As a man, no.”
He’s quiet for a little while. “Now this is starting to make sense.”
“Yes? Because nothing makes sense to me. I think she is angry but not only because of last night. I think she is afraid. That I will leave her. That she cannot risk falling in love because this is not real.”
“Are you going to leave her?”
“This is not my plan, no.”
“Have you talked about moving to Russia in five or ten years?”
I hesitate. “No. I think this will scare her.”
“Then she’s probably already scared.”
“But that is…my home.”
He cocks his head. “If you love her, home is wherever she is.”
I never thought about it like that and now I feel even more stupid.
I’m ruining everything with my marriage without even trying.
“I am bad husband,” I mutter, more to myself than to him, even though he hears me.
