Page 69 of Yours to Keep
“Holy fuck,” I whisper, staring at the ceiling and trying to process what just happened.
Who am I kidding? I know exactly what happened. I’m completely gone for him. A laugh slips out before I can stop it.
Shaking my head, I climb out of bed, grab a shirt to wipe myself clean, and pull on a pair of boxer briefs. Still smiling to myself, I cross the room and open the door.
* * *
My breath stops. The sight of him hits like a shockwave.
For a second, neither of us moves. CJ stands on the other side of the door, one hand resting against the frame. His hair is messy, like he’s run his hand through it a hundred times, and his eyes lock with mine.
I clear my throat. “CJ?”
His jaw moves slightly before he looks away. “Sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?” I ask, frowning. He looks unsettled, and that scares me more than anything.
He looks back at me and huffs. “I don’t actually know.”
That surprises me. The honesty tastes strange, unfamiliar. CJ always knows what to do, what to say. He’s the person everyonelooks to when something goes wrong. He is reliable. But right now? He looks almost as lost as I feel.
“You okay?” he asks.
The question makes me want to laugh. Normally, I would give him the standard line:“I’m fine.”But I can’t say it. Not anymore, not with him.
I look down. “I’m…” The word catches, so I try again. “I’m confused.”
CJ doesn’t react; he just waits. That’s one of the things I love about him. He doesn’t push. He doesn’t try to fill the silence. He just waits.
“I don’t know how to do this.”
“Do what?”
I shrug, feeling useless. “Want things.” My stomach rolls. Wanting feels dangerous, like stepping into open air. “I spent a long time making sure I didn’t want anything,” my voice drops, “because wanting things meant someone could take them away.”
CJ’s face tightens, not at me, but at the person who made me think like that: Adrian.
“I don’t want to be scared all the time anymore,” I whisper. The honesty surprises me because I haven’t even admitted it to myself yet.
CJ takes a slow breath. “Eli.”
I look up.
“You know you don’t have to be afraid of me wanting something from you, right?”
My throat tightens because that’s not what I’m afraid of. “I’m scared I’m going to mess this up.” The words come out before I can stop them.
CJ’s eyebrows pull together. “Mess what up?”
I gesture between us. “This.”
Silence. Then CJ takes a step closer: slow, careful, like I’m something he doesn’t want to startle.
“You haven’t done anything wrong, Eli.”
I almost laugh because he says it so easily, like it’s obvious, like I should know it already.
I shake my head. “You don’t understand.”
