Page 58 of Yours to Keep
I don’t even bother turning around. They have perfectly functioning legs; they can get their own fucking coffee. Eli, however, has other ideas.
“I’ll bring back muffins as well!”
“Love you!” Finn shouts, his laughter following us out the door.
Eli smiles more now. Laughs more, too. The shadows beneath his eyes are still there, but they’ve softened. He’s sleeping through the night more often. The fear is still present; I catch it in the way he freezes sometimes, in the moments when something drags him back into memories he’d rather forget, but it doesn’t own every second of his life anymore.
Finn pulls laughter out of him like it’s effortless. If I’m being honest, it pisses me off a little. No, more than that.
Jealousy burns low and sharp. I hate how easily it shows up. I want to be the one to make him laugh. Me. Not Finn. Not Deck.Me.The realization should concern me, but I accept it. As we walk, I watch his whole face light up at something on his phone.
My chest warms as I settle back at my desk, coffee hot in my hand, a muffin on a plate, as I let my thoughts wander. That smile is my favorite thing in the world, no fear, no ghosts, no distance. Just the moments when he forgets to be afraid.
I realize as I watch him that I’ve started measuring the success of my day by how often he looks happy. I find myself hoping for another smile, and another, like a compulsion I’m not bothering to fight anymore. I want more of Eli. I’m not just falling for him; I’m starting to need his happiness almost as much as my own.
The truth scares me. Needing someone has never been safe.
Wanting Eli wasn’t the problem. That stopped being the problem weeks ago. Holding him last night had felt like heaven, and letting him go this morning had nearly killed me. The problem was timing. Eli was still learning how to breathe without fear, still figuring out who he was outside survival.
I know where the line is. I also know how thin it’s becoming.
Wanting him wasn’t wrong. Taking something before he was ready would be. The hard part was knowing whether he was ready, and I wasn’t sure I trusted myself with how easy it felt.
But that didn’t stop me from noticing things.
Eli biting his lower lip when he concentrates. The way he catches his snakebite piercings between his teeth when he’s thinking. The way he licks his lips when he reads…
Heat spreads through me, hard and fast.
“FUCK.”
The word slips out before I can stop it. I push back from my desk, turning away quickly to adjust myself. My body has apparently decided today is the day it stops cooperating, and right on cue, the door opens and Eli walks in.
“You okay, CJ?”
“Yeah. I’m fine,” I croak. “Just… hit my knee.”
My pulse races as I pray he didn’t notice anything. The look he gives me tells me he doesn’t believe a single word.
“What do you need, Eli?”
His head tilts slightly. “I just noticed something.”
“What’s that?”
“You’ve been staring at your computer for the last five minutes.”
“I have not.” I turn back to him, my dick barely behaving, tucked into my waistband.
“You have,” he says, stepping further into the office. “I wanted to make sure you were okay. Do you need help with something, CJ?”
I almost lose my fucking mind right there.Yeah, Eli. I need help.
He slowly runs his eyes down my body, and my breath stutters. He brings his gaze back up to mine, his eyes sparkling with something playful and sharp.
“Sure?”
“Yeah.” My voice comes out far less convincing than I’d like.
