Page 48 of Yours to Keep
I hesitate, because no, I’m not, but I still answer with, “I’m fine”
I think it comes out clean. Convincing, even. But CJ’s jaw clenches, that pinched frown settling between his brows, the kind I have noticed he gets when something doesn’t quite add up. He doesn’t call me on it. He doesn’t push. He just wraps a steady hand around my arm and guides me the rest of the way, quiet and controlled.
At the door, he steps ahead and pulls it open, his voice low as he says,
“Inside.”
* * *
By the time lunch arrives, I’m feeling as back to normal as I can manage. CJ and I head out for lunch, but voices overlap until I can’t separate one from another. Chairs scrape, and my nerves scream with them. Cups clatter as my panic increases. Someone laughs behind me, and every sound lands like a bomb inside my skull. I need to leave. I can’t be here.
My vision darkens around the edges, and as I sit across from CJ with my fingers digging into my thighs and my mind screaming, the room spins around me, the sounds crashing into me like waves.
I hear a quiet, “Eli?”
I can’t answer, and I scratch at my throat and gasp for air. Internally, I’m screaming, but no sound is coming from my mouth. I look at CJ, panic in my eyes, and that’s when I feel a hand wrap around mine.
“Come on baby, let’s go.” The words ground me; The panic loosens just enough to move. He keeps a hold of my hand and walks me straight out the door and all the way to the office. My eyes still scan the street without stopping, searching for that man, but I know he’s gone.
My skin itches as we walk into reception. The noise here is quieter, softer, but still hurts my ears. And as we walk through the office, I can hear Finn calling CJ’s name.
I can’t deal with him right now. I look at CJ and hope he can see I am about to have a complete meltdown and that I need space. He looks at me, his lips thin, his face full of worry, and he moves me quickly to his office, closing the door before Finn’s voice reaches us again.
As I sit on his couch, he closes the blinds, shutting the world out. He comes straight back to me, crouching down and starts to rub the tops of my thighs.
“Eli. You are safe. Just breathe for me.” His hands move slowly as he starts bringing me back to him.
My body settles as I feel his hands on me. I can smell his scent, crisp and clean, and I can see CJ. His blue eyes have never left me once. Kneeling on the floor in front of me, he doesn’t move. He stays there, with me. Grounding me until I’m ready to move.
* * *
An hour later, I sit at his small meeting table in his office, my laptop in front of me. I had felt like I needed to do something, so I thought work would be a good idea. It isn’t, but at least it stops my mind from thinking about that man on the street.
Blinds are still closed, and CJ’s still checking in on me. I can feel his small glances now and then. A quiet word spoken, checking in. I know he’s worried about me. My anxiety is still high; I can feel it in my bones, and I know he wants to ask about what happened out on the street or in the cafe. But I can’t talk about it right now.
After lunch, I’m trying to proofread a report. I’ve read the same paragraph three times without taking in a single word. I can feel every single nerve in my body just waiting for something to happen. It’s almost painful as my body feels like it is about to jump into a large void.
CJ crouches down next to me, “You’re okay?”
I don’t look up from my report, “I’m fine.”
“You have said that a lot lately,” he says quietly, resting his hands on my knee.
I sigh quietly and look at him. With him crouching down, we are almost eye to eye. His steady gaze makes this harder, causing my pulse to start climbing again.
“I just didn’t sleep well,” a half-truth, but an excuse, and he knows it.
He hums quietly, not believing a word I have said. He stays with me a little longer; His hands still sit on my thighs, my skin hot under his palms. I sigh, and shake my head, and I’m the first to look away.
* * *
Later, I step out alone. I need fresh air, and as much as I have come to love Finn, I just need a moment away from everything and everyone.
The street is busier now with the late-day movement, people rushing to get to where they need to go, on their phones, in their cars. I just lean on the building, taking it all in, and that is when I see it.
A reflection.
A man standing too still in the rush that is going on around him. He’s across the road, just looking. At me.
