Page 98 of Burn Her They Said
“What are you so scared could happen? I’m not blasting or obliterating. It’s in my own mind. I don’t understand how that could hurt anyone.”
“Have you ever noticed your fingers tingling when you feel angry?”
My chest constricts with the distinct recollection of moments where it felt like bolts of energy coursed underneath my palms or fingertips with the itch to hit something, or to expel it. I lift my gaze to meet his in understanding, and he releases a breath, as if he expected this, yet is disappointed to learn it is true.
“I was so tired that night,” Varic explains. “I could barely keep my eyes open, yet Minacia’s forces would not relent, so neither could I. Feeling the pressure to push myself past my limits—and for what? To please a superior officer? To keep from being admonished, or in avoidance of some slightly worse consequence?”
Biting my lip, I consider him and land on assurance. “I understand. Thank you for explaining. I didn’t mean for you to have to bring up?—”
His expression halts my speech as it conveys everything. So heartened, I can’t take any more; I tear my gaze away to study the sheet clenched between my fingers. Needing to put my mind on something else, I send my magic to check on the rest of my Guards, and my heart drops with the level of agitation they’re all hiding beneath the surface.
“I can sense you all fading. You’re exhausted and need rest,” I say to dismissive grunts.
“We maintain our vow,” Varic commands, so set on endangering us all should another attack occur. It’s ridiculous to maintain a promise which was not forged with the understanding of the stakes we are facing—stoking a fire in me I have no hope of extinguishing.
Rising to sit, I turn to him and lean in for emphasis. “You would damn us all with your loyalty to a vow which does nothing to benefit us in our current situation.” His expression remains unchanged, with one eye open beneath a quirked brow goading me. “The vow was written under the assumption we would have access to resources needed for you to remain awake without consequence to your power. Having the strongest sorcerers in my detail only makes sense when you can access it. Having five Guards with significantly decreased and depleted energy is not safe. For any of us.”
A shriek of surprise leaps from my chest when Varic jolts upright with the same ferocity I had. Chest heaving as he moves closer. I drop my gaze to his lips, proving to be no less intimidating, while staring at his hands does nothing but conjure memories brought on by his mere existence.
“You are not the one responsible for making decisions regarding your safety.”
My eyes narrow. “No need to remind me, Imperial Lead Guard Varic. I am acutely aware of my total lack of agency.” I shove the covers down and off my legs while bolts of pain radiate from the soles of my feet and up through my calves, doing nothing to stop me as I move to stand on the hardwood floor.
“I have always been under the control of another. So I agree. I have never once been the one to determine anything related to my safety, just as I have never had my thoughts, feelings, or needs taken seriously.” Stars burst in my vision as I step away from the bed.
“You need not remind me of how powerless the Emperor has made me,” I snap, rounding the footboard, as Varic’s cheeks drain of all the color that rest had finally restored. “I thought you were different.”
His face falls, and I rush across the small room to the open doorway of the bathing chamber, running from the need to both acknowledge and repair the impact of my sudden outburst. My hands shake when I grasp hold of the door and barely move to close it before my lungs force out a guttural growl from the streak of red announcing Lars’ appearance as he stands just within the threshold of the small bathing chamber.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Revelations
Crossing my arms, I glare up at Lars as he slowly closes the door behind us. He turns to mirror my pose, all while an amused smile breaks across his face.
“I always knew you had this fire in you. I just didn’t think it would take being around Varic every second to stoke it. Though I shouldn’t be surprised, huh?”
“You didn’t follow me in the name of my safety, did you?”
His grin disappears in a bright red blur as he speeds past me to check the small water closet for anything that could be hiding, gesturing to let me know it’s safe to enter.
“Any other observations you care to share since you don’t seem to be leaving?” I ask, walking to the water closet and shutting the door behind me.
Silence greets me as I take care of my task, until I depress the plunger and Lars’ voice carries. “Just that your connection with Varic has been enlightening to observe.”
I pause and lose focus as I draw my undergarments up past the short hem of the nightgown, then smooth the fabric down before returning to the main chamber to wash my hands.
“And how it’s been an honor to see you come back to life in his presence—even under the circumstances.” His eyes follow me to the vanity, where I turn on the water and stare down while washing my hands.
“The circumstances being Hendry’s death,” I say, chest tightening.
Lars looks up at the ceiling as he releases a sigh. “Among other things.”
“‘Come back to life’?” I ask, shutting off the water to dry my hands. “That’s awfully dramatic coming from you.”
Lars huffs out a heavy breath. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, since you have to focus on assessing and managing emotions in others, but I’ve seen a spark in you the last two days I haven’t seen in years. Not since you first spent time with him, if I’m honest.”
The chill of the porcelain bites the heels of my palms as I pivot to face him and reach back to lean on the lip of the sink.
