Page 34 of Burn Her They Said
She whimpers, and I study her—brow furrowing, lower lip quivering—and my heart drops with the realization that my arms are not enough to make her feel safe after what happened—a sign I must release her. I must lie her down on the bed and leave her. Yet my selfishness wins, and I tighten my grip, unable to let go, needing more. Always more, when it comes to her.
My expulsion of breath scatters stray hairs across her face, and she groans as I lift her higher, cradling her over the mattress where I should be setting her down. Where I should stop taking what I need from her. Being close and holding her—those are for me. Yearning for the brush of her skin, the weight of her body pressing against my own ever since I first experienced it. Ever since I required her touch to move through grief. Making it seem as if I used her to heal, but that’s not true. That’s not who she is to me.
Mei waella is not a means to an end. And yet, the need I have for her is vast. Deep and wide—impossible to fill. Because the more time I spend in her presence, the more I crave it. The more I find the opportunity to touch her, the more contact I want. The more I breathe her in, the more I want every breath I take to be made of her scent. And that’s just it—I need her. Not what she does, but who she is, and why, and how.
I need to put her down.
I’m doing it again.
Holding on too long.
Hesitating.
I need to let her go.
But I can’t. I can’t let her go. Not yet.
My chest heaves with a small sob, and I clear my throat, changing nothing but delaying the inevitable.
I don’t know what I thought I would do once we got to her room, but I was wholly unprepared for just how difficult it would be to relinquish her. To know I do not have any other option. Because if the Emperor stormed through her door, he would make me. Yet the moment I do, she will be subjected to abuse far worse than imagined, based on what I witnessed earlier at dinner.
What if I set her down and he?—
A warm hand settles over my shoulder as Cirrin’s refreshing scent makes its way into my senses. He stands to the side, offering silent support as I war with myself over continuing to meet my needs over hers.
But what if I’m wrong? What if the way she responded after the explosion was real?
The way she nuzzled into my chest, curling into my arms as if she might have needed me nearly as much.
What if holding her is helping? What if she feels much worse once I release her?
I cannot abandon her, like so many others.
No. I don’t think I can do it.
So am I to hover here, holding her over the side of her bed, until she awakens? Even I can’t delude myself into thinking I possess that sort of strength, or patience.
“It’s okay, Varic,” Cirrin says. “You can lie her down. We will keep her safe from here.”
“I am not leaving,” I snap, and Cirrin bites his lower lip in amusement. “I will stay until she wakes, regardless of when the Emperor sends Imperial Guard Roy to relieve me. I will not have her think I brought her here just to leave, when she might need me now more than ever. If she has ever needed me,” I say, under my breath.
“Oh, she needs you,” Lars says, inflaming my cheeks. “She just can’t have you the way she needs you.”
Malin steps around him. “I think what Lars means is she feels tormented in your presence because she cannot act naturally, or else the Emperor will know your importance to her.”
“So, in a way, your presence is a form of torture for her,” Fray says. “And if you think that is what she needs upon awakening, then please stay so you might torment her some more.”
“Fray,” Cirrin admonishes. “He is helping. You saw how she reacted. You know it would have been worse had he not been there.”
“Had he not been there,” Fray says, gesturing to me. “Hendry would have been the one to carry Tasch indoors. If he had not been there, Hendry would still be alive.”
I release a breath. “I would do anything to take back my failure. And I will regret not ensuring Hendry was within my shield for as long as I live. Because you’re right Fray, had I not been there, Hendry would have prioritized her safety. He should be the one standing here.”
Silence falls over the room until Malin breaks it by forcing out a heavy breath.
“Do you think it is in her best interest for me to leave?” I ask.
“No,” Fray says, shaking his head. “It’s complicated. The effect you have on her is unlike anything we’ve observed. She’s drawn to you like a Dragon to treasure, and I’m worried it will spell her ruin, because her greed for y?—”
