Page 271 of Burn Her They Said
My chest collapses when I force the air out through my mouth, and I deflate into Fray’s side, then mutter, “I’m sorry. I know you don’t like being touched.”
“I don’t mind when it’s you, Tasch.” His voice carries a hint of amusement as he leans in to provide me with the warmth and pressure I need, twisting my stomach as he doesn’t seem to recognize I am the last one of us who deserves his kindness.
This is all my doing. If I hadn’t cozied up to Sal. If I hadn’t convinced him to give me the book he found. If I had only been more sensible, then Hendry would still be here, and Varic wouldn’t have been appointed my Lead Guard. He wouldn’t have had to experience all he has been made to endure since then.
The Emperor would not have used him to test my loyalty. Which means he wouldn’t have been in the Imperial Palace when the ceiling collapsed.
Fray shifts to get a better look at me, but I cannot face him. Not with this. So I shake my head and turn in the opposite direction.
“You can’t hide from me.” He leans down and raises his brow. “I know that look. It’s the one you make when you’re blaming yourself for something. This is not your fault, Tasch.”
“Yes, it is?—”
“No. You did not cause this.”
“If—”
“Stop.” He takes my face in his frigid hands. “They are alive. I am sure of it.”
A laugh bleeds from behind my chattering teeth. “Oh, so are you a seer, or an oracle?”
“Neither. I just happen to be connected to the sorcerers I share a life with. You know, after I vowed to give mine in protection of yours.”
His words settle in my chest with the meaning unearthing something. A not-so-distant memory. “Did you feel it when Hendry—” I cut myself off. Unable to bring myself to say more.
“Yes.”
My throat bobs as I swallow. “It was the strangest thing. I swear I could physically feel the loss of him.” My brows furrow with the most perplexing aspect of the experience rising to the surface. “And not too long after, I could have sworn I felt him—as if he were alive again—or the part of his soul that was bound to my own, at least. Like it was reanimated.”
Fray nods. “I don’t think that’s strange. I remember feeling the same.”
My chest constricts with his admission, assuming I had been the only one. This somehow feels more significant with the awareness of it having been a shared experience.
“But that’s the shit thing about grief. The way we can convince ourselves the being we miss still exists, despite all evidence.”
Mist unfurls as I depress a breath. “You’re right. It’s all just wishful thinking. Because if Hendry had survived that fall, he would have been by our side as soon as he was physically capable.”
“He absolutely would have.”
I lean my head back to rest over his shoulder. “You’re not worried.”
“No.” He shakes his head for emphasis.
“Okay. I’ll try not to be either.”
Fray’s chuckle brings a small smile to my face. “And I have nothing but confidence in your ability to succeed in this endeavor.”
I smack his chest with the back of my hand, and my fingertips sting so much I shove them under my arms to try to find some warmth.
“Thank you,” I say, nearly under my breath.
“What for?”
“Vowing to give your life to protect mine.”
“Oh, that? Nah, it’s a privilege. Just look at this beautiful life I get to live.” He gestures to the eerie scene around us.
I smack his chest again for good measure. “Can you please be serious?”
