Page 233 of Burn Her They Said
“I’m so fucking sorry, Tasch. I think I know what this is. Because it happens to me, too. I know this terror, and I hate seeing you enduring it.” His voice is still distant. Floating.
I lift my shaky hands to my neck and clench my eyes closed, forcing more tears to fall as my fingers curl around the metal collar.
“I will be here, and I will hold you while your mind tries to convince you otherwise. But you are here. You are in my arms where you belong. And I am going to keep talking until you come back to me, because you are so fucking strong, and you can do this, Tasch.” His words feel closer, almost as if he’s saying them in the strange room where I’m chained to the wall.
“You are going to come out of this terrible memory of one more thing you have survived. Because that is what you do, mei meida. You live through all that the Emperor forces you to endure. Because you care—you care so fucking much about citizens you have never met. You take your role so seriously—much more than I wish you would, because selfishly, I want to tear you away and save you from this.”
A sharp intake of breath stings my lungs, and I feel him everywhere—his warmth, his muscles tensing as he rocks me, helping me to come out of this terrible flashback with gentle words and motion. Bringing me back from another time when he was there to support me through what would otherwise have been just another tragic part of my history.
I pull in a breath of his warm spice scent, his skin emitting the nutmeg and clove fragrance. The smell of him—as he rocks me back and forth. I turn into the curve of his neck, and he shudders when the tips of my lashes brush his skin.
But then he groans—because fuck. The leg strap wasn’t meant to maintain this position.
“We don’t have to lie down. Minea can keep coasting. I can hold you like this.”
I release a breath and wish I could say that I’m ready. But I’m not, and I hate myself for putting him through this kind of pain, all from the irrational fear of being restrained. When this is Varic—the one who would never harm me. The one who is willing to let the strap cut into his leg because he needs to make sure I feel safe, regardless of the cost to him or his body.
Yet I can’t lie back. Not yet. I’m too fucking scared.
“I’m here. It’s me, Tasch. I’ll be with you the whole time, however we ride. I’m here, and I’m with you. Whatever you need, mei meida.”
My shoulder rises as I try to stave off the tickling sensation from his breath while I steady my own.
I am here, with Varic. I am not in that room. No one can see us.
The Emperor won’t know what we’ve done.
Varic will never secure himself without me. I can do this to ensure his safety.
“I trust you,” I say, voice breaking.
“Oh thank fuck.”
I let out a laugh.
“I didn’t mean—” He stops talking when I press back against his hold to look up at him.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Varic.”
“No, but?—”
“Stop.” I raise my brows for emphasis. “You helped me to come out of a terrible memory. Now, will you please allow me to express my gratitude?” I snake my arms around his back, hugging him close as I lift my mouth to his ear and whisper, “Thank you.”
“I should be the one thanking you for forgiving my carelessness, as well as for putting your trust in me afterward.”
My cheeks wobble with the small smile curving up my lips. “Thanks accepted.”
“I will hold on to you the whole time, and I can brace your hands in mine, if that will help you to feel any safer.” His voice is gentle, caring—loving—as I nod.
I shiver when his fingertips glide around my arm to pry my hand from his back and bring it around to the side. My mouth clamps shut and I hold in a gasp when the tips of his fingers course up the center of my palm, caressing the skin in encouragement as he moves my fingers apart. Then my breath hitches when he threads his own between them before closing his fist to secure our contact. “Like this.” He squeezes four times, bringing more tears to my eyes as he claims me in that mysterious way of his.
Minea decreases his speed to hover as Varic takes hold of the belt meant to go around his torso, loosening it to fit around both of our bodies while bracing me with his wrists. Finally satisfied with the length of the leather, he leans forward and shifts the way he supports my back, maintaining our closeness as he guides my spine to lie against the black leather.
My breath halts when his weight settles into me, bracing himself on one side while the other provides me comfort. He maintains the grip with his hand clasped over my own as he guides the belt over his back—which he will need both hands to secure.
“I’m sorry, I said I would hold your hand, but I need to?—”
“It’s okay, Varic. Secure the belt. I’m not going anywhere. Not with your hips pinning mine in place.”
