Page 101 of What We Knew Then
My lip wobbles before I can stop it. “Don’t you think I know that?”
She shrugs her shoulders like she doesn’t know the answer. “I just…” Her words drift as she looks around the kitchen, as if the rest of her sentence is hidden somewhere. “Ever since Freddy, you’ve been acting different. And when your dad told me you were with Lane… it sort of made sense.”
My jaw drops. I can’t even help it. She thinks this is because of Lane? There’s no way.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“From right here… I’m telling you what I see, sweetie.”
It’d be better if she yelled at me instead. The disappointment sort of drips from her words; even though I’ve beaten myself up for as long as I can remember, it still stings. The fact that she immediately wants to put my mistake on Lane makes my heart hurt.
“Lane isn’t the problem,” I argue. “This is my mess. I’m the one who went to a party to try and feel something other than the vice grip I’ve been in.”
“Honey, you need to take a breath—”
“Will a breath eliminate my migraines? Don’t think so. Will they change the fact that I’m going to fail a class because I had a migraine and missed an exam?” I shout.
My mom reaches for my hand. “Cora, I—”
“And you know who has been there? Making sure I don’t self-destruct to the point of no return? Lane.”
The laugh falls from my mouth as I lean back in my chair. “Freddy would never. Freddy tricked me, like he tricked you. Maybe he loved me at one point, but that version of him has been long gone. I don’t think you talk about getting married and then dump her a week later. I don’t think you plan to live with her your senior year only to change your mind. He’s not the guy I knew back in high school, the sweet one who made us laugh and felt part of the family.”
My mom’s head keeps tilting as she listens, like the weight of it is affecting her.
“And the best version of Freddy? Doesn’t even come close to Lane.” My voice shakes at the end, eyes filling with tears. It’s like the true weight is hitting me all at once—how much I care about Lane. How he risked something to be with me. How I could put him in that position last night.
“I didn’t know about your class. You didn’t say anything.” Her hand reaches for mine and I let her take it.
“I couldn’t. I was embarrassed and also held out hope I’d be able to fix it.”
She holds my hand as we sit in the silence. Tears trickle on my cheeks and I wipe them with the back of my other hand.
“All my life, I’ve been trying to keep it together. Act like I could handle it all… even when I couldn’t.” My voice cracks at the realization. It’s the first time I’ve said the words aloud, but not the first I’ve felt it. Control doesn’t mean perfection. Spreading myself thinner than tissue paper didn’t protect me from heartbreak, disappointment, or emotional exhaustion.
Shaking my head, I move on from the internal crisis I’m about to spiral into.
“Dad would’ve lost it if he knew I was dating Lane. You and I both know that.” I confirm her suspicion of what’s actually going on between me and him.
She sighs. “You know the rules–”
“All I’ve ever done is follow the rules!” It comes out louder than I hoped and the look on my mom’s face proves it. “I’ve tried so hard to not get in trouble, do the right thing, be the model college student. And for what?” My hands fall to my sides, clapping on my legs.
My mom nods in understanding and I believe she’s really trying to get me. Get this. She puts her hand on the top of my head, stroking down.
“Where is Dad, anyway?” I look around at the empty kitchen.
She takes a deep breath and says, “He had a disciplinary meeting with Lane this morning.” Her words are strained, guarded, like it’s something she wasn’t supposed to tell.
All the blood leaves my face. I didn’t expect him to talk to Lane without talking to me first. I stand, looking for my purse and my keys, and my mom jumps in, nodding to the keys on the hook. “Your car is getting a new taillight. Take mine.”
Chapter 59
LANE
I’mrunningontwentyminutes of sleep and pure adrenaline. Coach dropped me off at my apartment and told me we’d meet in the morning. All I did was agonize over the end of my hockey career. There’s no way I’m getting out of this twice.
According to the cop, the only reason I didn’t get a ticket for open intox was because he’s friendly with Coach. I don’t know if it made much of a difference—both options are horrible.
