Page 86 of An Arcane Education
“I’ve told you, I’m trying to protect you. Knowing certain information puts you at risk,” he argues.
“Then letmedecide if I’m willing to take that risk! You want me to blindly trust your judgment while you refuse to give me the information I need to make my own decisions,and I won’t. I can’t be another pawn in this fucked up game that you’re playing.”
“That’s not what you are to me.”
“Are you sure? Because from where I’m standing, it looks like I’m just another tool for yourresearch. Were you even able to find Mitchell’s body without me?”
His silence tells me everything I need to know.
“That’s what I thought.”
A heavy silence stretches between us, and I almost turn to leave, but anger is still swelling inside of me, and I need to get it out.
“Frankly,” I continue, “I think I’m just convenient for you. You can tell me you love me all you want, but now a part of me wonders if you’ve been more interested in me from an analytical view rather than a romantic one. The girl who just discovered her magic when almost everyone here has known about theirs for their entire lives must be afascinatingsubject to study for you. It’s just convenient that she’s also fuckable and willing to keep your secrets while helping you collect the specimens that’ll bring you academic renown.”
“That’s not true,” he growls. “Of course I’ve found you interesting, but it was never from a logical standpoint. I care about you so much. More than I should. And that’s exactly why I need to be careful. If anyone finds out about this situation, it could ruin both of us, and I’d never forgive myself if I screwed up your life due to my own selfish desires.”
His words are like a knife through my chest, but as much as I want to believe him, I can’t keep putting myself through this. “I care about you too, Alaric, and Iunderstand your concern about us getting caught. But I can’t stand by and keep your secrets while watching you parade around with someone else, no matter how much you assure me it’s not what it looks like.”
“Vivian, please, we can work this out. I can?—”
“No,” I interrupt. Tears burn at the back of my eyes as I try to maintain my strength. I so badly want to collapse into his arms and plead with him to stay away from her and choose me, but I won’t. He’s made his choices. “I’ve spent my entire life putting other people first, taking care of my family, sacrificing what I wanted to make sure everyone else was happy and comfortable. I thought that maybe here, with you, I could finally be someone’s priority. But I see now where your priorities lie, and I’m certainly not at the top of the list.”
“That’s not true, and I’m so sorry that I ever made you feel that way. Please give me a chance to prove to you how much you mean to me.”
I stare at him for a moment, my heart aching more with every second that passes. The temptation to give him another chance is overwhelming, but I know that if I do, he’ll continue to feed me half-truths and just enough affection to keep me hanging on. I deserve more than that.
“I’m sorry, I just can’t. Maybe one day we can talk about us again, but it’s clearly not going to work for either of us right now.”
With that, I turn and walk away. I don’t allow myself to look back, even as he calls out to me. If I see the devastation on his face again, I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to stay away.
The tightness in my chest threatens to burst into a sobas I fight back tears. I only make it halfway to my dorm before I have to stop, ducking behind one of the stone buildings to lean against the wall and let the emotion out. Heaving sobs shake my body as I cry for the relationship I naively thought we had, for my own stupidity at thinking I was as important to him as he was to me. But underneath the sharp pain of heartbreak, there’s something stronger: pride.
I stood up for myself. I put myself first and refused to accept being treated as less than I deserve. For some reason, that makes me sob even harder.
Eventually, the tears slow and my gasping cries fade to hiccups. I wipe my face with my sleeve, put my hood up to hide myself from the people I pass, then rush to my dorm room where I can have some solitude.
When I reach the room, though, Max is there. She takes one look at my face and her expression softens with sympathy. She assumes it’s a simple breakup that’s crushed me, but it’s so much more than that.
And after keeping everything a secret for so many weeks, I tell her everything. My tears come back full-force as I explain how I came to find Mitchell in the forest, and how Alaric asked me to keep it a secret. I make her swear to secrecy, explaining how I changed the details of my story to report everything to the Chancellor, and she promises that she won’t tell a soul. She even wraps an arm around me as I relay the final part of the story, my breakup with Alaric, despite her aversion to physical affection.
Max only interjects a few times, either to ask clarifying questions or to say some choice words regarding Alaric.By the time I’ve finished relaying the whole fucked-up story, I’ve cried out every tear I have, and the only thing I can feel is numbness.
The last few weeks of the semester will be difficult to say the least, but I’ll keep my head down and work my way through them. With any luck, I won’t have Alaric as a professor anymore, and I can look toward next semester as a fresh start.
CHAPTER 37
Weeks pass as the end of the semester draws closer, and I bury myself in my work, losing myself in homework assignments, finals preparation, and practicing my magic. Most of my time is spent in the library, and the vast majority of campus has descended into a panicked, sleepless sort of academic frenzy as finals loom on the horizon.
My mom has already booked my flight home for winter break using what little money she’s managed to save for Christmas presents. I’ve called her a couple times over the course of the semester and sent a handful of letters, but I never mention any of the disturbing events that have transpired and the secrets I’ve uncovered, instead telling her about my friends and how beautiful campus is. She doesn’t need to worry about me any more than she already does.
Max has been a lifeline, as she’s the only person who knows the reality of my situation. When Mitchell’s death is officially announced, she holds my hand and stays upwith me all night as I sob. AJ’s absence, and later his vacant expressions and hollow responses, are enough to make me sick with guilt.
“There’s nothing you could have done,” Max assures me one night when I’m still awake at three a.m. wrestling with my remorse. “Mitchell was already dead, and it’s better that you weren’t the one to tell him.”
They still haven’t revealed his cause of death yet, and I can’t help but wonder if the mushrooms are somehow related, if they’re more dangerous than I had assumed. In the real world, toxic mushrooms can’t kill you unless you consume them, but if I’ve learned one thing over the last six months, it’s that this place is far beyond everything I’ve ever known.
Callista joins us in the library or the common room sometimes for study sessions, and her bright disposition is always a welcome distraction. Delilah and Avery come when they can, but Delilah is drowning in her own coursework with the astronomical expectations that come with being in Meridian House, and Avery’s studying generally consists of physical sparring sessions with other people in her program to work on technique.
