Page 64 of An Arcane Education
When I reach the bottom, I walk along the cliff face, tiny pebbles crunching beneath my feet. No white, sandy beaches here, just black and gray rocks between the jagged cliff and the churning waves.
The wind is sharp against my skin with the briny spray of the sea, but I don’t mind. The cold is bracing. But as I walk, my mind whirls with the events of today, and I allow myself to feel everything that’s been compounding. The pain of seeing Alaric with another woman, the shame at being upset about it in the first place, the despair of trying so fucking hard to do everything right only for it to end with me being targeted by assholes with superiority complexes for absolutely no reason.
Tears stream down my cheeks, and I don’t try to stop them this time. I stop walking and lean against the black rock of the cliff face. The tightness in my chest is a pressure that builds and builds until it bursts free into a choked sob.
I’m so tired of struggling so much only to feel like I’m five steps behind everyone else, tired of being humiliated for simply existing. Before I know it, I’m uncontrollably sobbing with frustration and anger and sadness, and the emotions continue to build until they explode.
But my emotions aren’t the only thing that erupt. A surge of magic pulses out of me, and the clawing branches of the shrubs along the cliff twist and writhe as they extend outward. Moss creeps along the rock faces, covering more area by the second. I look upward at thesound of creaking, and through my tears, I see the roots of a massive evergreen spiraling down toward me.
I try to reign in my power, but it feeds on my unbridled emotion, and I force myself to breathe deeply and utilize the skills I’ve learned over the last couple months. A minute or two later, I’ve managed to gain control, and while I definitely affected the sparse vegetation in the area, I didn’t do any lasting damage from the looks of it. Thank goodness. That would’ve been the final nail in the coffin for me today.
I don’t force myself to stop crying, and I find the delicate balance of allowing the emotions to flow through me without letting them drag me into an uncontrollable spiral.
I find myself making a plan of action as I make my way back up the slippery steps and walk through campus. First, I’m going to straighten out my midterm grade with Professor Showen then eat lunch. Next, I’m going to get through my final class of the day and spend my evening journaling through all this bullshit since my walks don’t seem to be cutting it. Then, I’m going to mentally prepare for the rest of my week and for seeing Alaric in class tomorrow.
I can’t control everything that happens to me, but I can at least prepare for the worst and control my reactions.
When I make it to Professor Showen’s office, I’m grateful to find the light on and the door open. She’s alone, so I don’t have to worry about dealing with Clarissa, either.
I rap on the doorframe, and she looks up. “Oh!Vivian, come in, come in.” She closes the folder of papers she’s working through and gives me her attention. “Is everything okay?” she asks, noticing my red, puffy eyes.
“I just have some personal stuff going on. No big deal,” I say. “But I’m actually here to talk to you about my midterm.”
“Okay, we can do that.”
I pull out the paper and set it on the desk between us. “So, my first question is, did you grade these or did Clarissa?”
Professor Showen gives me a curious look. “Clarissa was in charge of the papers while I handled grading the demonstration portion.”
“Okay, I kind of figured. So, normally I don’t contest grades like this, but this is a special circumstance. For some reason, Clarissa really doesn’t like me, and I have reason to believe that she may have given me an undeserved bad grade because of that.”
She furrows her brow as she takes the paper from the desk and gives it a cursory glance. “I’d be happy to regrade it for you, then. But if she’s grading papers based on personal feelings and not on merit, she’s going to be in some serious trouble.”
“I understand. I wouldn’t have brought it to you if I was uncertain about it, but I really need to make sure my grades stay up and…” I trail off, the implication clear.
“I’ll look into this and speak to you about it after class on Wednesday, if that works for you.”
“That would be perfect. Thank you.”
I stand to leave, but Professor Showen stops me. “Actually, Vivian, I have something I’d like to give you.”
“Oh?” I sit back down as she rummages around in her desk drawer.
There’s a solemnness in her voice when she procures a thin, black, braided rope bracelet. “This was your father’s. I wasn’t sure if I still had it, but I spent the weekend searching through my storage and managed to find it. It’s the last piece of him that I have, but I want you to have it.”
I recognize the item immediately. He’s wearing it in the picture I have of him that’s sitting on my bedside table. “Are you sure?” I ask, even though I want nothing more than to put it around my wrist and never take it off.
“Absolutely. He would have wanted you to have it.”
My eyes burn with fresh tears, and hers glimmer with them too.
“Thank you so much,” I whisper as I take the bracelet from her and secure it around my wrist. “This means so much to me.”
She smiles softly, wiping her tears away. “Of course. And please know, even if it’s personal, you’re more than welcome to talk to me about whatever’s troubling you.”
“Thank you,” I say, and even though I appreciate her offer more than I can explain, I’m still aware of the fact that I can’t actually tell her about things with Alaric.
I leave her office a couple minutes later with the knowledge that no matter how alone I might feel, there are people on this campus who truly care about me.
