Page 24 of Forever King

The moment her mother returned to work, Lily seemed hellbent on becoming a combination of Linda Blair and whoever in this world cries for hours on end. I had no intention of being a failure as a father, so I’ve kept at it for the past three months, but at this point, I’m ready to throw in the towel and beg my wifeto hire a nanny to make sure our daughter doesn’t permanently hurt herself from crying and puking so much.

The problem is I agreed to us spending the first six months bonding before we hire a nanny. I don’t want to go back on my word, but I think I have to admit the truth. I’m not doing well at this daddy gig.

My phone vibrates in my pocket, so I fish it out to see who’s calling me. I smile when I see Ava’s name and answer, whispering so I don’t wake up the baby.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Why are you whispering, Marius? Are you at the movies or something?”

As I walk to the room farthest away from Lily’s nursery, I let my voice return to its usual sound. “No. The baby just fell asleep, and if she wakes up before noon, I’m going to cry along with her.”

I hear myself and know I sound like I’m about to unravel like a cheap suit at any moment, but I can’t play it cool anymore. I’m drowning here.

Ava picks up on my desperation too and says, “Aww, are you okay? You sound frazzled.”

“That’s a good word for it. I might even say nearly psychotic. Jesus, how did you do this with two babies back-to-back?”

She sighs like even hearing that memory exhausts her. “I honestly don’t know. I guess you just do it and then when you look back, you can’t imagine how you did it. Would you like me to come over and help? Elizabeth is taking a nap, and if she wakes up, the nanny will be here to handle things. I can be there in a few minutes.”

God, I really am the worst father. Now I’ve got Ava offering to help me, and she just had a baby two months ago.

“No, that’s not right. You’re dealing with three kids over there, and one’s even younger than Lily. I’ll be okay. I’m just feeling sorry for myself today.”

I stop and a second or two later add, “Hey, don’t tell Eden I’m a mess at this, okay? I know she enjoys her job, and I don’t want her feeling guilty for going back, even if it is for only three days a week.”

Ava chuckles. “I usually wouldn’t agree to keeping secrets from my best friend, but I won’t tell her. For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re doing badly at all, Marius. You should have seen Matthias when Theo was first born. He couldn’t handle it. Between the spitting up after every feeding and the diaper changes, he threw up himself more than once. Don’t get down on yourself. Lily is doing great, and you’re a big part of that. Everyone’s first time at being a parent is hard. I bet it was the same for your parents.”

I throw my head back and laugh, hoping to God the sound isn’t too loud. “Trust me. My father never changed diapers. I’d bet every dollar I have on that.”

“Well, you might be right. It was a different time back in those days. I bet your mother struggled at first, though, when Matthias was born. All of us do. You just happen to be experiencing it as a dad. I think you should be proud, though, Marius. You stepped up when Eden wanted to go back to work and took care of things so she could. Give yourself a little credit, and even more, give yourself a break. You’re doing a good job with Lily.”

She’s trying to be helpful, but I don’t believe her. “I guess. I just thought things would be easier by now.”

That makes her laugh. “My father says things never get easier once you’re a parent. The challenges merely change. Today, it’s crying and spitting up. Then when they start school, it’s worrying about them getting along with others and kids pickingon them. I don’t need to remind you of what it’s like when kids become teenagers. You and your brothers must have given your parents more than a few nights when they wanted to pull their hair out. Being a parent is never easy, but you have to admit, it’s pretty great, right?”

My older brother got lucky when Ava fell for him. I hope he realizes that.

I think about her question and sigh. “I love Lily as much as I love Eden. It’s just that I never realized how many bodily fluids were so much of babies’ days.”

“Trust me. I understand. Theo didn’t keep food down for the first year. Matty was easier, thank God, but we aren’t sure which way Elizabeth is going to go. Girls are very different from boys, though. At least you don’t have to worry about getting peed in the eye with Lily. Matty did that to me. If you don’t cover their little winkies, it’s like a firehose.”

As much as I try not to laugh at the image of that, I can’t help it. “Thanks, Ava. I appreciate the pep talk. Again, don’t tell Eden. I don’t want her to worry that I’m not taking care of business when it comes to Lily.”

“I would never tell her that because you are taking care of business. Give yourself a little time. It’ll get better. I promise.”

While I thank her for the kind words of support, I silently pray to God she’s right. I don’t know if my daughter’s lungs and stomach can handle much more of how things have been going. I know I can’t.

“Now that you’ve listened to my tale of woe, what did you call for?” I ask, happy to talk about anything not baby related now.

“I was calling to ask you and Eden over later this week. I know you two have been busy planning the wedding, along with getting used to parenthood, so I thought you guys might like to enjoy some good food and adult beverages. I promise no talk about spit up or anything like that, and best of all, you can bringLily and the nanny can take care of her. I already checked, and she’s fine with one more, so what do you say?”

Any get-together with Matthias and Ava is a good time, but hearing it would just be adults and we’d have a babysitter right there for us makes me practically do a backflip. “Sounds good to me. I’ll tell Eden about it when she gets home, but as long as she’s up for it, I’m all in!”

“Great! Matthias is going to be so happy to hear you guys are coming over. He’s been a little overwhelmed with his third time at fatherhood, so he’ll be looking forward to talking about something other than baby stuff.”

Surprised to hear my older brother is struggling with his new baby, I suddenly feel a little better. “Really? I thought he had it down to a science.”

“Well, this time, he wanted to take some paternity leave so he could be around more. I think it’s because Elizabeth is his first daughter. From what he’s been saying, he didn’t realize babies were this much work since he didn’t take paternity leave for the first two. Remember, too, we have a nanny. Elizabeth is different than the boys, though. They slept through the night at a month. She’s still waking us up, and since I don’t want the nanny up all night, taking care of those nighttime feedings is up to Matthias and me.”